Drama and healing 1

So, the performance of my next play is on Thursday night, my character has a lot of emotion. He’s kind of always wound up. I’m the last few weeks I’ve used it to let off steam.

I think the good thing is that it is helping me deal with my anger. I so enjoy the drama, it’s a release of the day to day stresses.

In the last two years or so it’s helped me deal with my past. I’d never had guessed that I would be doing this. I’ve made so many good friends and enjoyed their company.

This is better than some therapy because I have chosen to do it. I feel that I’ve moved forward more since getting involved in the group.

A humbling experience

In 2011 I did some street evangelism in soho square. One experience from that weekend comes to mind.

Our group were washing feet. There was this homeless young man, we got talking. I then offered to wash his feet. While doing this he shared something with me. He was a survivor of abuse, but he wasn’t as lucky as me. He’d been constantly abused.

It wasn’t what I’d expected, he just opened up to me. I felt honoured by his openness.

I realised this. There by the grace of God go I. It could have been me. Things could have been so different.

After he left, a nun came up to me and said “you showed so much compassion” Then a priest who knows what I am dealing with came to me and said “Ed, the smile on his face after the encounter was one of relief and hope”

This experience left me feeling humble and so lucky.

I never saw him again but I hope that the experience helped him.

Survivors United

It is time that male survivors of sexual abuse were helped out of the darkness. It’s time that to many men commit suicide because they are ignored by the health service.

It’s also time that this macho crap is dropped by society. A man or boy should feel secure that they’re going to be believed. Our society says men should be strong. Bullshit, is what I say.

What happened to me was wrong but society breeds this conspiracy of silence. Boys and men don’t cry. Wrong! We do.

How can media perception that men are strong, be a good role model for boys?

This perception kept me from disclosing for a quarter of a century. Twenty five years of shame and pain, because men have to be strong.

Yes, I cry and I’m proud that I can release the pain.

It’s time that male survivors get the same recognition and help. The help in this country is woefully inadequate and the government needs to make meaningful strides to help male survivors.

A challenge to the government and opposition. Break down the barriers and help us heal.

Chains

You bound me in chains
Chains of deceit
And chains of shame

You locked me in your power
You took away my innocence
You trapped in your lie

Then I saw the light
A light that heals
That burns the locks away

I broke your chains
With the truth
That I’m a survivor

I’ve shattered your chains
Smashed you locks
And destroyed your shame.

Easier

How it gets easier to share my story. As time has progressed I’ve found it easier to share. To be able to use my experience to help others. To share my story is a privilege.

Even though It’s been hard sometimes and it’s caused me some trouble. I feel it’s. been worth it.

Earlier, I watch a video I made almost four years ago. I cried when I watched it. But I can see the progress I’ve made.

My hope is still to help other survivors in a more practical way. I still want to be an advocate and a voice for all survivors of abuse. But I have to say my main focus is to bring awareness to the public, about male survivors and the lack of support for us men.

My ambition is to set up a charity that brings awareness of the suffering men go through.

Four years

Four years since I shone the light
Four years since I broke my silence
Four years since I shed the shame

Four years of pain and growth
Four years of dismantling my walls
Four year of tears for a lost childhood

Four years a victim
Four years a survivor
Four years a thriver

Four years ago I disclosed, the fact I was sexually abused. Four years of healing and four years of becoming Ed!!!

Being an introvert

Being an introvert and having to work in a large office. This has been the hardest thing for me over the last 3 years. Working in a large team of mainly extroverts is really hard. I really like my team but I could just work on my own just as well.

I find it draining, I know because of the depression I need to spend time with others. This is to break the isolation. I really struggle with some situations. Parties are my wrist nightmare because I feel trapped and stressed.

Yes, I am involved in the theatre but I still have to recharge, sometimes for a few days. Which is almost impossible as I have to work.

Four years

Four years ago I disclosed to my counsellor that I was sexually abused. It just popped out at the end of the session. I never realised how hard things were going to get. The pain I would have to go through.

Having to face the reality that I’d pushed this down. That I had denied what had happened. The effect this has had on my life can’t be underestimated. This has been so hard.

Even, now. Today I get flashbacks and triggered. I sometimes feel that I’m treading water. I never thought I’d still be suffering four years on.

There are days like today when I wished I’d never started this process.

Another post about forgiveness.

So, what has come from my last post. Just this, I forgive the people in that community. For not understanding me. How could you, you never had deal with anything like this. It was a learning curve for all parties. I forgive you for making me feel unloved, it was where I was. I forgive you for the way things ended, I understand the enormity of the decision you had to make.

Now, for the big one. To my abuser. I forgive you for what you did. It doesn’t make it right but I forgive you.

And finally to Ed, myself. This is the hardest person to forgive but here goes. Ed I forgive you, you are innocent. I have spent almost 30 years blaming you. You were only a child, it wasn’t your fault. You deserve the best in life now.