Four years on.

Tonight I find myself thinking about the seminar that started it all. Self esteem. It triggered something that in hindsight, has been the catalyst for my healing.

I now see that it’s what I needed. A chance to face my daemons and deal with my past. Over the past four years I’ve learned so much about myself. The creative Ed, the dramatic Ed.

I grown in confidence. My self esteem has now grown and I’m starting to live once again.

If hadn’t gone to that seminar I would probably have never started this journey . Or I had I would have never done the things I’ve done.

So, where am I. I’m not fully healed and I may never be. However, I’m stronger, I’ve become a voice for those have not found their voices. I hope in time to be able to be an advocate for other survivors.

Another hard post

In November 2010, I sat in my room in a house in Coventry and decided to end it all.

I could not take anymore, the depression had started to eat at my heart. I had come to a painful decision to finish it all.

So, what stopped me? It’s not a what but who. The love of friends and family. People who cared so much for me they showed, me that I was more than the pain I was in. They listened to my ramblings and were there for me with hugs.

Also, one person who was there to kick me up the arse when I needed it. This person believed that I would get through this darkness.

If you’re reading this tonight, in the same place as I was. Please reconsider, talk to someone. You are worth it. You will get through.

Depression doesn’t discriminate

After the sad news from America last night. The death of Robin Williams has brought the issue of mental illness to the fore.

Mental illness doesn’t discriminate. Whether you’re rich or poor, fat or thin black or white, it can happen to you. I suffer from depression and I have come close to committing suicide.

You can’t see if a person is depressed. There are no outward signs. It’s time to have a conversation about mental illness. Not keep it in the dark place.

If, you someone with depression talk to them. Be there for them because I know that they will be there for you.

Times that make you stronger

In the dark of night
When you’re alone
No hope, no light
These times make you stronger

When you’re in pain
And can’t feel love
For all the hurt
These times make you stronger

When you’re down and out
And have no chance
Of winning the day
These times make you stronger

When you’re with friends who care
And they’re by your side
With a hug and smile
These times make you stronger

Dear you. A letter to him.

Dear you,

Twenty nine years ago you tried to ruin my life. As I write this I must say. You cannot ruin my life.

I take my life and make it mine again. Every second I live you lose, I win. However you tried you failed. I am surviving and thriving.

I pity you and your sad existence. You will never know the pain you caused. But what comes after pain.

Growth and strength, strength to use my voice to silence your lies. The lies you and your kind perpetrate.

Yours in strength


Positive impacts

There is one question I ask myself. Have I made a positive impact in the lives of other survivors?

As far a I can see I don’t know. It seems like all I do is put negative posts on here. But writing these thoughts down give them substance. It give me the voice that was taken from me so many years ago.

There have been so many brave survivors who have had an impact on me, it makes me feel so honoured to know them.

So, have I made a positive impact on you? My readers

The cycle of pain

My depression seems to go in cycles. At the moment it feels like the cycle is beginning again. It feels like I’m going into another cycle.

The feeling of everything closing in. My mind is racing and I’ve got those thoughts.

Twenty nine years ago he ruined my life. In the space of a few moments he destroyed me. He just had his fun and told me it was normal. How was I to know any better.

He just turned me in to this shell of a person. He constantly reinforced what happened by the wink. He called me twinkle and he told me never to say anything.

Is the pain real. Did it happen?

It seems this pain never goes fully. But it’s seems like a cycle. Can someone please free me from this nightmare. Will I ever be ok?

Will I ever be free?

Time heals

In February 2010 I encountered someone who helped me one this journey. I was at a charism school/ miracle rally. During a prayer session the leader said these words ” there’s someone here who is holding back tears”. That person was me.

Those tears opened me up for the journey I’m now on. As time moves on I’m realising how time heals.

Tonight, I saw that person again. For the first time I realised how far I’ve come.

Time really does heal. Sometimes in ways you weren’t expecting. I now see that every day, I heal a little more.

What the abuse did to me.

This post is hard to write. The effects on my life have been profound. I went from a happy child with ambition and dreams, to a child lost in the sadness of shame.

He took what he wanted, he never asked. He never said sorry. The effects were so painful. I changed as a person. I lost the ability to learn. I just sat daydreaming. I left school with poor results in my exams. I felt like a failure. He took away my spark.

I knew there was something in my past but I never had the courage to face it. I lost the will to live. I turned to drink because it dulled the pain. I never realised how the abuse affected me.

I lost so many friends because of it. I’ve found life hard because I lacked the self confidence and self esteem. Everyday has been a challenge.

After four years of healing I feel I’m only now seeing my potential. I’ve found it hard to believe in myself. I am a thriver in training.