Vulnerablity

I’m feeling pretty vulnerable at the moment. My emotions seem to be swinging between happy and unhappy.

I think the events of last week have kind of set them swinging. The outcome is that I feel quite vulnerable at the moment.

It’s like I’ve opened a wound that was healing. Not getting so triggered at work over the last couple of days. That’s because I’ve thrown myself in to work.

At home I have been more pensive and jumpy. Every little noise I seem to react to. Which is making sleep almost impossible at the moment. Listening for every sound. I haven’t felt this way in a long time.

On the bright side went to my amdram group on Wednesday evening. Found out what our next play will be. “Once in a lifetime”

Understanding

I’m beginning to understand my feelings at the moment. I realise the high of last week with the stress of Sunday may have contributed to me feeling a bit low. Also the knowledge that must soon tell my story again. Not to just to anyone but to the police.

This has given me sleepless nights over the last few weeks. I know I must do this. Probably the hardest thing I’ll ever do I know.

I understand that this is part of my healing. Potentially the most important part.

Truth

It is strange how the truth sets you free. In last yesterday’s blog post I was able to get my truth out.

It had taken a year of anger repression and soul searching. But I had to put it out there in the open.

It was after two days of painful memories coming up and disrupting my life.

The truth is a powerful weapon in this war against abuse and the ignorance of those who don’t understand.

To be fair the community were really out of there depth. Not to excuse their behaviour. They just got it wrong.

The truth I talk about is my truth. Which is different to other peoples truth.

If you keep telling your truth, freedom will come.

THE TRUTH FREES US.

A year on

Today is a year since I was told I wasn’t wanted. A year since my dreams were shattered by a Christian community.

When I was told I wasn’t wanted I was in shock. The community had made the decision a few days before. They put me through hell over the May bank holiday last year. I tried to do what they wanted. But this is the community who tried in vain to gag me. To silence my voice and make decisions behind my back.

I remember in November 2010 driving back to Coventry after counselling getting a call while driving. I didn’t take it but the message was the leadership wanted to talk to me. I felt like I was on trial. The leadership had spoken to someone about me behind my back.

The conversation when I got back was like so one sided. I remember sitting in the chapel in Coventry after they had said prayer. The leadership said I was not to share this with anyone. After 25 years of silence I had to keep quiet again.

I didn’t even have time to rest after a long drive. I kept my side of things despite wanting to share with the people I lived with.

The worse moment was to come a couple of months later in January. During a community gathering I was to have a pastoral. Instead my pastor decided to push all my buttons on mass. I had to admit I had suicidal thoughts. Then the shit hit the fan. I was told I had to see a doctor. Which I did, the doctor sent to get assessed by a psych. Team.

Six hours at the hospital I was given medication for depression. Then the leadership wanted to speak to my counsellor. I agreed reluctantly to this. Then came more demands I was to attend counselling once or twice a week and pay for it out of my own pocket. I agreed.

Then came the choice. I wanted to stay and give it another go. But the leadership had other ideas.

A year on I am in a good job, my own flat and meeting new people. The thing is I pity them as they have lost an opportunity to have someone who has been in the darkest place come through and out the other side. A chance to learn the healing lessons that I’ve learnt. The chance to share in a wonderful re-birth of someone who has been down to hell and survive no start to thrive.

Yes I am still angry, not at them as they never understood the transformation that I was going through. But for them as they will never understand.

Memories

Today I visited the community I left last year. A year ago this weekend they gave me the news I was dreading. It blew my world apart.

The reason I went today was to say good bye to a friend who is going home to Australia. I haven’t seen him in almost 5 months.

The memories are very painful. As I wanted to stay an give it a real go. The community had struggled to understand what I was going through. I tried to give it a go over the weekend. After lunch on the Sunday they gave me the news that I didn’t want to hear. It became obvious that they made the decision before and made go through hell. This was a painful moment for me.

The pain has lessened slightly but I still feel the pain of rejection. Being there today on this painful day was hard. For some of them it seems like nothing had happened. I have to say they just treat me as though nothing happened.

I am just annoyed by the patronising behaviour of some of the members. The point I’m making is that I don’t need people to treat me like I child. The thing is I still have some friends there.

The painful memories I have of that day will stay with me forever.

Missing friends

I am realising the Self imposed exile from my friends has cost me dear. Out of plain stubbornness I cut myself off from people who really care for me.

The thing is they will forgive me at the drop of a hat. The real problem is in my fight for independence I have done these people a real disservice. It feels like I’ve cut my nose of to spite my face.

It’l be good to catch up with then over the weekend. I hope they aren’t upset at my lack of communication.

A Prayer for Survivors

Tomorrow I’ll be offering all my prayers for victims and survivors of ALL childhood abuse. A time reflect on those who are suffering in silence. To show solidarity with all survivors.

I hope all who read this post just spare a thought for those who are living in the shadow of abuse. Also the forgotten victims who are still being abused.

A prayer for survivors

Lord, I pray that you protect the innocent children, who live in fear of the night.
Lord, I ask you shine your light on them and shine through the darkness and bathe them in peace.
Lord, I know you cherish the children, so this night shroud them in the love only you can give.

Lord, be with the survivors of abuse, in their daily struggles. In times of happiness and joy. Show them the love you showed us when you gave us your Son. Give the courage to seek you out and find your light of you love in everyone they meet.

In your name

Amen

Feeling wanted

Tonight I had a great experience. Someone wanted me for who I am. In march I joined a drama group. I never felt left out or unwanted. From the start I was made welcome and accepted for just being me.

They got me to work straight away. I auditioned for a role in our latest production. I didn’t get the role but a greater thing happened. I am going to be involved in this play. Tonight one of the longer serving members said you will be involved in the next production.

This makes me feel like I am worth a million pounds.

This week sees the result of three months of hard work both on and off stage.

Am I at the end of my healing?

I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall. Tired and I seem a little rudderless at the moment. I am now asking the question. Do I need to stop and take a break from the healing stuff in my life an try to move myself forward at work or spiritually?
At the moment I just don’t know what to do. I’ve come so far since starting this journey, is there any more to come. Have I reached the end of my healing. I really don’t know.

Too much work.

I’ve realised today I think I’m working to hard. It’s not as it sounds. I’ve thrown myself into work and the drama group.

Today I’ve been tired and muzzy headed. I realised that there hasn’t been much Ed time. I’m feeling jaded and sick. I am struggling to unwind and relax. I’m constantly wanting to help other survivors and just keep myself busy.

I have had some intrusive thoughts over the last few weeks. These I’ve tried to put to the back of my mind. I think I need to try an face these thoughts. I am always trying to push myself to prove that I’m able to do the job. Even when my boss says stop worrying, I just carry on worrying and pushing myself.