Dark feelings

So, here I am. In on of my deepest depressions. I sometimes feel that my life is one big mess. It seems I’ve not got any better.

Depression is like hell only there’s no way out. This week I’ve struggled with just doing simple things. I still feel sick and I have no appetite. I’d far rather not eat and just go to bed.

My thoughts this week have been so dark. I can’t see a way out at the moment. I’ve not had these thoughts for four years. Then I was so lonely and isolated. Just like I am now. Then at least I had my house mates and other community members. Now they’ve deserted me.

Living in my own is hell as I can go days without seeing a soul.

The second worst day of my life.

Because of what happened to me my brain has been rewired. I suffer from chronic depression and Ptsd. These have been compounded by other events. Seven I robbed at knife point while on the way to work. Which has fried more synapses.

I ask why me. I remember that day so clearly. I was walking to the station. I had to use a subway. When I got there there were four young men lurking. One of them had gone after another victim. The other three surrounded me. One pulled out a knife, he said something like hand over you bag or I’ll stab you.

I handed it over. Went home and called the police. The police were already in the area, after the other attack. They took me in a car to see if the attackers were still in the area, they weren’t. The police then took me to the police station to interview me. I really can’t remember much after this.

Only the fact that evening I had visit from my parish priest. He had heard about what had happened and was concerned. This really messed my brain up. It added to my feeling of uselessness. It took me a year to speak to my doctor because I didn’t want them to find out about the abuse.

So, my brain is a total mess most of the time. I don’t know why this popped in to my head. Maybe, it’s part of my story and needs to be told.

Positives from the abyss

Four years ago I’d never have thought that I’d be enjoying a night with friends. Being part of a theatre group gives you a of hope. Hope that the nightmare will soon be over.

I now realise that I needed to leave the community to grow. To be the person I was always going to be. I could have never committed to the group as the community would’ve always come first.

Part of the challenge after leaving community was to find something to do in my spare time. Thanks to the theatre group, I now have this. It’s given me a new lease of life.

So, in a strange way I should thank my abuser. As I would’ve never thought of joining a group like this. So, when I look back I can see the positives from the abyss. Even though I still struggle at times, I’m in a better place and moving in the right direction.

Lest we forget

Lest we forget
You gave your lives the save us
You stood tall against the dark
You gave your youth and vitality

Lest we forget
Through the harshest conditions
You made us proud
You stood tall against tyranny

Lest we forget
You gave your today
So we can have tomorrow
We will remember forever your sacrifice

Lest we forget

Dedicated to all who fought in all wars

By Ed Shearer


Guy fawkes

Four years ago I enjoyed the fireworks. I had been a pain all day. Then I popped out to treat the people I lived with. I went to the supermarket and broght some fireworks for them.

I remember the enjoyment that the young people had that night. It, for me was a watershed. I realised that simple things can be fun.

That evening I gathered them in our garden. That hour was so healing for me. I was both an adult and small boy again.

Looking back at this time tonight, I can see a real difference in my life.

I love fireworks, they make me feel alive.

Redefining my past

Redefining my past, why I’ve had to change. Four years ago I was the pitiful victim, or so I thought.

I thought I was the only victim. Everyone else was against me. I spent my time with my head bowed all the time. It was a time where I felt so alone. I isolated myself from the people I lived with.

When I tried to be with others, felt like a outsider.

Now when I look back I see that I wasn’t to blame for these feelings. It was him. Even though he wasn’t there, he moulded all my actions. He had control over me. His control was so strong I couldn’t feel.

It was only after leaving the community I was able to break his control in my life. I think my issues there were related to control. I felt I had no control of my healing process.

It was only after leaving I realised that, I had broken his control over me. There was a vacuum for a while. When I had no direction. Now only one person controls my healing. Me.