Easier

How it gets easier to share my story. As time has progressed I’ve found it easier to share. To be able to use my experience to help others. To share my story is a privilege.

Even though It’s been hard sometimes and it’s caused me some trouble. I feel it’s. been worth it.

Earlier, I watch a video I made almost four years ago. I cried when I watched it. But I can see the progress I’ve made.

My hope is still to help other survivors in a more practical way. I still want to be an advocate and a voice for all survivors of abuse. But I have to say my main focus is to bring awareness to the public, about male survivors and the lack of support for us men.

My ambition is to set up a charity that brings awareness of the suffering men go through.

Four years

Four years since I shone the light
Four years since I broke my silence
Four years since I shed the shame

Four years of pain and growth
Four years of dismantling my walls
Four year of tears for a lost childhood

Four years a victim
Four years a survivor
Four years a thriver

Four years ago I disclosed, the fact I was sexually abused. Four years of healing and four years of becoming Ed!!!

Being an introvert

Being an introvert and having to work in a large office. This has been the hardest thing for me over the last 3 years. Working in a large team of mainly extroverts is really hard. I really like my team but I could just work on my own just as well.

I find it draining, I know because of the depression I need to spend time with others. This is to break the isolation. I really struggle with some situations. Parties are my wrist nightmare because I feel trapped and stressed.

Yes, I am involved in the theatre but I still have to recharge, sometimes for a few days. Which is almost impossible as I have to work.

Four years

Four years ago I disclosed to my counsellor that I was sexually abused. It just popped out at the end of the session. I never realised how hard things were going to get. The pain I would have to go through.

Having to face the reality that I’d pushed this down. That I had denied what had happened. The effect this has had on my life can’t be underestimated. This has been so hard.

Even, now. Today I get flashbacks and triggered. I sometimes feel that I’m treading water. I never thought I’d still be suffering four years on.

There are days like today when I wished I’d never started this process.

Another post about forgiveness.

So, what has come from my last post. Just this, I forgive the people in that community. For not understanding me. How could you, you never had deal with anything like this. It was a learning curve for all parties. I forgive you for making me feel unloved, it was where I was. I forgive you for the way things ended, I understand the enormity of the decision you had to make.

Now, for the big one. To my abuser. I forgive you for what you did. It doesn’t make it right but I forgive you.

And finally to Ed, myself. This is the hardest person to forgive but here goes. Ed I forgive you, you are innocent. I have spent almost 30 years blaming you. You were only a child, it wasn’t your fault. You deserve the best in life now.

Persona non grata

Have you ever had the feeling that you’re persona non grata. There are a group of people I used to call friends, but now they never return messages. Are they real friends? I sometimes think that, I spent two years of my life living as an outsider. This dates back to my time in community.

I felt that because I didn’t fit in. I never fitted in. Dealing with the abuse stuff made thing worse. Being stuck in the mental health system didn’t help. But, now I still feel like an outsider someone who was tolerated rather than wanted.

Even today some of the community shun me. They just ignore me. These are the people I shared my deepest pain with. Whether or not they mean it, it still hurts. The thing is I still care about them enough to send them messages.

Why does abuse scare so many people. I have to deal with it 24/7. They only have to deal with it when they see me.

It hurts that I feel persona non grata.

Do politicians care

Sadly the answer has to be no. They promise an inquiry to address child abuse in this country. Where is it?  Well I can’t see that they’ve done anything as yet.

It’s frustrating to see the cover ups continue. Whether it’s councils or tv stars. Do they not understand that survivors are being triggered by these stories.

In Australia they ordered a Royal commission to set up. This has exposed the true scale of the problem. It’s time that David Cameron and Ed Miliband get together and agree the way forward.

What is the best course of action. For the politicians to get off their fat backsides and get the public inquiry started. And bring this blight on our nation in to the light. To recognise the pain a suffering survivors livid with every day of our lives.

Next year is election year. Maybe we should vote with our feet and vote for none of the above. It’s time to say enough is enough.

Do politicians care? Some do.

Damaged goods

I sometimes feel like I’m damaged goods. You know the broken down car or the broken toy.

What do you normally do damaged goods. Throw them on the scrap heap.

I feel that is all I’m good for.

But, some damaged good are quite valuable. I can see in my damaged state there is a certain light in my journey.

I see it like this every time I go forward there are people on the same journey, following behind. Maybe, I’m meant to share the bad times as they teach me how to live my life.

If, the light I leave in my wake shines for someone else it’s a plus. I see my pain can ease someone else’s.

I once had this feeling during a prayer time. ” myself and my younger self walking. And I see a light. There is no source of this light. Then I realise that my older self was shining this light from my heart. Then a voice said, Ed you are the light for your younger self. Hold him tight and walk with him.”

So, it seems that I’m my own guide. Maybe there is enough light for others.

The week in review

This week I’ve realised that I’m actually stronger than I thought. Even though it’s been an awful week. I’m still here. Still fighting. Still helping others by expressing my feelings here.

One thing though, I am struggling to forgive him for what he did. It’s not as simple as saying I forgive you. I’m having to take it one step at a time. Seeing if I can go, one day at a time without hating him.

There have been days this week where I’d wished, I’d never started this journey. I feel sometimes people just see an abused boy rather than me. Ed, the funny, mad and zany person. Sometimes, I see that thirteen year old boy sitting there with him.

There have also been days this week where I’ve let my mask slip. There have been moments of extreme sadness and loneliness.

So, how would I rate this week. Bad and painful.