Good Friday reflection

As a Christian I realise that Jesus died to save us. I’ve been looking back over the last three years or so. I realised that in the early days I struggled to deal with the overload of emotions. In the months after my breakdown, I said and did things I regret

I wish I could go back and change what I did. I can’t. Now all I can do is learn from these mistakes.

I now realise that I can seek redemption by laying my pain and anger at the foot of the cross. Good Friday for means I can share the pain of our lord with the knowledge, he will help me find who I truly am.

I am Ed and I am a thriver.

Am I enough, yes I am

This post is inspired by a friend.

Am I enough? There’s no simple answer.

If you’d asked this question a few years ago, I probably would have said I don’t know.

After what, I’ve been through in the last few years. I now know myself so much better. I understand that my past needn’t define my future. Also I now see I can’t right all the wrongs. I now find myself more at peace with myself.

The real Ed is now shining through the darkness that had engulfed me for so many years. As I find out more and more about who I really am I’m realising that I can just be me.

So, am I enough. Yes, but I’m growing and healing each day.

My old friend, depression

For the last week I’ve really struggled with my depression. Even though I’m on medication I sometime feel that they only paper over the cracks. But this is the problem with a health service that is slowly being run down.

Mental health services are the poor relation to the rest of the NHS. The problem lies with decisions to put some services out to tender.

Last year, I had just 11 sessions of therapy. We had just started to make some progress. I’ve now been on medication for six months. They’ve been had as I know that it’s just managing the depression. The guidelines say that the most effective treatment is a combination of medication and therapy.

I know that this is in a perfect world. But there are impacts on a persons life with taking medication.

We need to help survivors any way we can.

I use writing this blog and poetry as a form of therapy. It’s free and it really helps.

Fear of the unknown

I sometimes feel that non survivors fear us. Not in a bad way but in a frustrating way. They don’t know how to talk to us and how to act around us.

Sometimes it’s like you don’t exist or they’re over protective. I find that if they just ask ‘are you ok?’ or just treat you as normal. When you’re down sometimes you just want that question asked or a hug.

The worse thing you can do is ignore or think there’s nothing wrong. A quiet word of support is so important.

People need to let the survivor lead in their recovery. Let them have control of their healing journey.

I know sometimes it can be frightening to see someone they care about in pain. But, sometimes it’s just needed to let them sit and just be.

My experience of this was that the people around me struggled to deal with me and what I was going through. They didn’t understand that it was normal for me to be like this.

As I move on I can see that they were only trying to help. Even though I could not see it then.

I hope that this insight into how others react will help.

Fighting my corner

This I so hard for a lot of survivor to do. We always want to please others. As time has moved on I find I kind of enjoy fighting my corner. It shows me how far I’ve come. It’s also a gauge on the work I need to still do

However hard it may seem, we are all capable of fighting our corner. Survivors seem to be more measured in how far we take it. We seem to have a sixth sense when fighting.

It seems that the more I fight the better I heal. Fighting used to be a reflex action. Now it’s a choice.