The week in review

This week I’ve realised that I’m actually stronger than I thought. Even though it’s been an awful week. I’m still here. Still fighting. Still helping others by expressing my feelings here.

One thing though, I am struggling to forgive him for what he did. It’s not as simple as saying I forgive you. I’m having to take it one step at a time. Seeing if I can go, one day at a time without hating him.

There have been days this week where I’d wished, I’d never started this journey. I feel sometimes people just see an abused boy rather than me. Ed, the funny, mad and zany person. Sometimes, I see that thirteen year old boy sitting there with him.

There have also been days this week where I’ve let my mask slip. There have been moments of extreme sadness and loneliness.

So, how would I rate this week. Bad and painful.

So, triggered

Every time I look at a newspaper or the news, the top headline is about abuse. It’s so triggering. It brings me back to that moment when he did it. The moment he messed with me.

What with all the celebrity cases and everything else within different parts of society. I’m surprised I’m even sane. There have been moments over the last week where I thought that maybe Robin Williams had found the best way out.

It seems I’ve got to fight the system once again. I hate feeling this way but I do. I feel I’ve failed everyone by not being as strong as I thought I was.

I’m really struggling to keep myself from imploding, the pressure sometimes is so bad.

I’m so triggered.

My mood is like the weather

I felt the grey skies closing in over the weekend, it’s like I’m walking in a daze. I can’t think clearly at all, I feel that I’ve failed everyone by falling back.

I hate the feeling. It’s like trying to climb a greasy pole. You get so far and then down you come. Maybe, it is time to ask my Gp for a proper diagnosis rather than it’s just depression due to the trauma.

I feel I really need some real help. A decent assessment rather than just a chat in the surgery.

Who knows but I need to work this out soon.

Thought I was doing so well

I thought I was doing so well. I was wrong. Today I’m feeling so bad. I realise that pride goes before the fall.

Well the fall came yesterday. I’m nowhere near being healed. I now have to go back to my Gp and ask to go back on medication.

I’m hurting so much. The memory of what happened is so fresh and painful.

I sometimes wish I’d never started this process. I also wish I could turn back time and do thing differently.

I feel that I need time to reflect alone. I need to decide who I have on my journey. Sometimes, I feel that my path is away from family to protect them from what I’m dealing with. They’ve been amazing but I now need to find my own path.

I think I need to reassess my next steps.

Four years on.

Tonight I find myself thinking about the seminar that started it all. Self esteem. It triggered something that in hindsight, has been the catalyst for my healing.

I now see that it’s what I needed. A chance to face my daemons and deal with my past. Over the past four years I’ve learned so much about myself. The creative Ed, the dramatic Ed.

I grown in confidence. My self esteem has now grown and I’m starting to live once again.

If hadn’t gone to that seminar I would probably have never started this journey . Or I had I would have never done the things I’ve done.

So, where am I. I’m not fully healed and I may never be. However, I’m stronger, I’ve become a voice for those have not found their voices. I hope in time to be able to be an advocate for other survivors.

Another hard post

In November 2010, I sat in my room in a house in Coventry and decided to end it all.

I could not take anymore, the depression had started to eat at my heart. I had come to a painful decision to finish it all.

So, what stopped me? It’s not a what but who. The love of friends and family. People who cared so much for me they showed, me that I was more than the pain I was in. They listened to my ramblings and were there for me with hugs.

Also, one person who was there to kick me up the arse when I needed it. This person believed that I would get through this darkness.

If you’re reading this tonight, in the same place as I was. Please reconsider, talk to someone. You are worth it. You will get through.

Depression doesn’t discriminate

After the sad news from America last night. The death of Robin Williams has brought the issue of mental illness to the fore.

Mental illness doesn’t discriminate. Whether you’re rich or poor, fat or thin black or white, it can happen to you. I suffer from depression and I have come close to committing suicide.

You can’t see if a person is depressed. There are no outward signs. It’s time to have a conversation about mental illness. Not keep it in the dark place.

If, you someone with depression talk to them. Be there for them because I know that they will be there for you.

Times that make you stronger

In the dark of night
When you’re alone
No hope, no light
These times make you stronger

When you’re in pain
And can’t feel love
For all the hurt
These times make you stronger

When you’re down and out
And have no chance
Of winning the day
These times make you stronger

When you’re with friends who care
And they’re by your side
With a hug and smile
These times make you stronger

Dear you. A letter to him.

Dear you,

Twenty nine years ago you tried to ruin my life. As I write this I must say. You cannot ruin my life.

I take my life and make it mine again. Every second I live you lose, I win. However you tried you failed. I am surviving and thriving.

I pity you and your sad existence. You will never know the pain you caused. But what comes after pain.

Growth and strength, strength to use my voice to silence your lies. The lies you and your kind perpetrate.

Yours in strength