Four year odyssey

I started this four years ago. It started with anger and sadness. Now four years on, I feel that I’ve made progress.

I’ve faced my past and tried to move on. There are days that I’m back there and day that I see the wonder in the world. Thankfully the days of wonder are more now.

So, do I find this helpful. Yes. Getting my voice heard is so important.

So, here’s to another positive year. Moving forward.

Upward trend

So, I seem to have got through the latest dip. Wiser and stronger. It, however takes it’s toll.

The main thing is I’m back on the meds and back in the system. This has to be positive as I know I’ve got my Gp on my side this time. They understand that it’s the underlying issues that now need to be dealt with.

My health has taken the brunt of the depression this time. My energy levels are erratic at best. So, I do struggle keeping awake at times. My mind is slowly clearing, so I can start to enjoy life once more.

I have been so blest with family and friends rallying around to support me.

It’s a real humbling experience to have so many care for me. I’m blushing while writing this.

The only way is up from here.

Thankful

Tonight as I write, I am so aware of the support I have. In the last week, I’ve been touched by all the support.

All my friends have rallied round to help. The biggest thanks goes to my family. Especially, my two brothers.

I realise how lucky I am. And how many care.

Thankful, for friends
Thankful, for family
Thankful, for all those who care

Dark feelings

So, here I am. In on of my deepest depressions. I sometimes feel that my life is one big mess. It seems I’ve not got any better.

Depression is like hell only there’s no way out. This week I’ve struggled with just doing simple things. I still feel sick and I have no appetite. I’d far rather not eat and just go to bed.

My thoughts this week have been so dark. I can’t see a way out at the moment. I’ve not had these thoughts for four years. Then I was so lonely and isolated. Just like I am now. Then at least I had my house mates and other community members. Now they’ve deserted me.

Living in my own is hell as I can go days without seeing a soul.

The second worst day of my life.

Because of what happened to me my brain has been rewired. I suffer from chronic depression and Ptsd. These have been compounded by other events. Seven I robbed at knife point while on the way to work. Which has fried more synapses.

I ask why me. I remember that day so clearly. I was walking to the station. I had to use a subway. When I got there there were four young men lurking. One of them had gone after another victim. The other three surrounded me. One pulled out a knife, he said something like hand over you bag or I’ll stab you.

I handed it over. Went home and called the police. The police were already in the area, after the other attack. They took me in a car to see if the attackers were still in the area, they weren’t. The police then took me to the police station to interview me. I really can’t remember much after this.

Only the fact that evening I had visit from my parish priest. He had heard about what had happened and was concerned. This really messed my brain up. It added to my feeling of uselessness. It took me a year to speak to my doctor because I didn’t want them to find out about the abuse.

So, my brain is a total mess most of the time. I don’t know why this popped in to my head. Maybe, it’s part of my story and needs to be told.

Positives from the abyss

Four years ago I’d never have thought that I’d be enjoying a night with friends. Being part of a theatre group gives you a of hope. Hope that the nightmare will soon be over.

I now realise that I needed to leave the community to grow. To be the person I was always going to be. I could have never committed to the group as the community would’ve always come first.

Part of the challenge after leaving community was to find something to do in my spare time. Thanks to the theatre group, I now have this. It’s given me a new lease of life.

So, in a strange way I should thank my abuser. As I would’ve never thought of joining a group like this. So, when I look back I can see the positives from the abyss. Even though I still struggle at times, I’m in a better place and moving in the right direction.