My dreams of late

I’ve been trying to make some sense of my dreams. The strange thing is that as far as safety in my dreams is concerned, is that one place keeps coming up.

The place where I started this journey. The community who helped me through the tough first year. It seems that I have a deeper connection with them than I realised.

The thing about my dreams is, ‘he’ is there looking and laughing. I always feel safe with other community members. In my dreams they show so much love. As the do in real life.

Why am I so affected be these dreams. They almost always end with me waking, sometimes in tears and sometimes shaking. The problem then is getting back to sleep. I’m usually awake for an hour or so. It’s not fair that I should be getting these nightmares,

It seems that my dreams are really affecting me during the day. I’ve had one or two moments when I could sit and cry. I try to put this to the back of my mind but sometimes it’s not possible.

I sometimes wish I could go back and tell my younger self, to tell an adult. To be able to have that person pay for what he did to me. I really hope there’s place in hell for these people. Because, I’ve had to live in my own private hell for too long.

My life sentence

The thing that annoys me is when people feel sorry for the abusers. When people say their sentence is to long.

Well, my sentence is life without parole. I have to live with the after effects of one sick mans actions. How anyone can stand up for these monsters. How can the people who helped cover up these peoples actions, live with themselves? I don’t know.

But the thought of other survivors getting some justice, lessens the impact on me. As I know that this evil crime is being brought in to the light.

When you open others eyes to the pain and suffering that survivors have to deal with on a daily basis.

I really didn’t realise how many survivors there were. We need our voices heard.

So, the next time someone says their sentence is two long just say. What about the survivors of their crime. Our life sentence.

Hard times

I’ve really struggled over the last week. The media coverage has brought up some painful memories. I’ve been struggling with sleep. Mainly getting to sleep and then oversleeping.

I know that I’m now safe but it sometimes feels like my past is in the present. I’ve had some strange dreams.

I’m happy that there’s going to be an inquiry in to CSA. I only hope that it brings some solace to us survivors. And now the Vatican has started on the road to reconciliation. Maybe, just maybe survivors will get the help and respect we deserve.

Times are changing, now we wait.

The last week

With the Rolf Harris conviction and the scandal in the Home Office. This week has been hard for survivors.

When ever you pick a newspaper or turn on the news, there it is large as life. For me it’s been hard as it’s quite near the twenty ninth anniversary of my abuse. Also during this week four years ago I was very agitated over this coming out.

The memories of both events has been really hard. I’m trying to focus on the positives. But, sometimes memories can be stronger. Even when some ask the simplest question I can feel triggered. When I look back I try to see that this process is needed.

I really wish that there was support for my family, who have shouldered some of my burdens.

Over the next few months I hope to be able to discuss the abuse issue with our new bishop. I see this as a move in the right direction. To help the many survivors of clergy abuse. I believe that the only way forward for the church is to enter dialogue with survivors and look for reconciliation.

Time for action.

Four years ago, I thought I was the only one. I felt so alone. But from the moment I disclosed I found that there are more male survivors. Within a few days I met a male survivor. His reaction to me was, one of pure love. He shared his story with me.

Then he prayed with me, he thanked me for showing courage. He has walked with me. He has seen me at my lowest and kicked me up the arse when needed.

In this time I’ve met other male survivors. Both online and in real life. Everyone I’ve met, I have total respect for. Now more and more men and boys are coming forward it means that this taboo subject is no longer a taboo.

The biggest plus is that the government has set aside some money to help male survivors.

With the recent media coverage in the uk, it has been apparent that we need a public inquiry into child sexual abuse in the UK.

The politicians as always are shying away from doing the right thing. A message to Mr Cameron, Mr Clegg and Mr Miliband. Please start a public inquiry in to abuse in Britain.

Today

This is a post I never thought I’d write. When I grew up two tv stars I revered. One being Jimmy Savile and the other Rolf Harris.

My heart is broken. Today’s verdict is needed to show that just because they’re famous they can’t do as they wish.

Now is the time for the government to act. They need to set up a royal commission into the prevalence of sexual abuse in Britain. It needs to be open and above board. No part of society should be left out.

It’s time bring this in to the open. Time to shatter the chains of abuse in Britain today.

Today, justice has been done.

Living with the spirit

For the last eight weeks I’ve been involved in a life in the spirit course. For me it’s been a renewal of who I really am. The love of god shining through with new friends and old.

For me it has rekindled something I thought I’d lost. That was the live of god. Over the the last eight weeks I’ve found that I’m more confident and I can see a direction in my life.

A way through the woods. A chance to bask in the lords love. And I have learned more about who I am.

The real bonus for me is that I’ve built some bridges that I’d burned. There’s still a long way to go for me but I now feel I have a direction. I’m being lead to bigger and better things.

Trinity’s best

This is dedicated to anyone who went to Trinity Catholic High School.

FAB we were
Focused, awesome and brave
With a bit of MCP
Mature, charming and perfect

These years the best years
School days with fun and life
Looking back not so bad
You boy, the sound rings out

You never wanted to be
Called by the Doc.
At the radiator through the lunch
Detention in library after school

Why not!

So, after this weekend of sitting with my thoughts. It seems that am opportunity may have arisen. In my diocese we will be getting a new bishop.

Is this a chance for me to raise the issue of abuse within the church. As I wasn’t abused by a priest, I feel that I’m a great place to offer some advice and help to the church.

As a survivor I feel uniquely placed to be able to share my experience, without the baggage of potentially facing a triggering situation.

I, feel that I’m being lead to this special ministry. A ministry of healing and positivity. I’ve searched my heart and I realise that I can share my positive experience of healing.

Maybe, this is what the Pope would see as progress. And maybe, just maybe it can help bring healing to the whole church.

Why not?!