Time heals

In February 2010 I encountered someone who helped me one this journey. I was at a charism school/ miracle rally. During a prayer session the leader said these words ” there’s someone here who is holding back tears”. That person was me.

Those tears opened me up for the journey I’m now on. As time moves on I’m realising how time heals.

Tonight, I saw that person again. For the first time I realised how far I’ve come.

Time really does heal. Sometimes in ways you weren’t expecting. I now see that every day, I heal a little more.

What the abuse did to me.

This post is hard to write. The effects on my life have been profound. I went from a happy child with ambition and dreams, to a child lost in the sadness of shame.

He took what he wanted, he never asked. He never said sorry. The effects were so painful. I changed as a person. I lost the ability to learn. I just sat daydreaming. I left school with poor results in my exams. I felt like a failure. He took away my spark.

I knew there was something in my past but I never had the courage to face it. I lost the will to live. I turned to drink because it dulled the pain. I never realised how the abuse affected me.

I lost so many friends because of it. I’ve found life hard because I lacked the self confidence and self esteem. Everyday has been a challenge.

After four years of healing I feel I’m only now seeing my potential. I’ve found it hard to believe in myself. I am a thriver in training.

My dreams of late

I’ve been trying to make some sense of my dreams. The strange thing is that as far as safety in my dreams is concerned, is that one place keeps coming up.

The place where I started this journey. The community who helped me through the tough first year. It seems that I have a deeper connection with them than I realised.

The thing about my dreams is, ‘he’ is there looking and laughing. I always feel safe with other community members. In my dreams they show so much love. As the do in real life.

Why am I so affected be these dreams. They almost always end with me waking, sometimes in tears and sometimes shaking. The problem then is getting back to sleep. I’m usually awake for an hour or so. It’s not fair that I should be getting these nightmares,

It seems that my dreams are really affecting me during the day. I’ve had one or two moments when I could sit and cry. I try to put this to the back of my mind but sometimes it’s not possible.

I sometimes wish I could go back and tell my younger self, to tell an adult. To be able to have that person pay for what he did to me. I really hope there’s place in hell for these people. Because, I’ve had to live in my own private hell for too long.

My life sentence

The thing that annoys me is when people feel sorry for the abusers. When people say their sentence is to long.

Well, my sentence is life without parole. I have to live with the after effects of one sick mans actions. How anyone can stand up for these monsters. How can the people who helped cover up these peoples actions, live with themselves? I don’t know.

But the thought of other survivors getting some justice, lessens the impact on me. As I know that this evil crime is being brought in to the light.

When you open others eyes to the pain and suffering that survivors have to deal with on a daily basis.

I really didn’t realise how many survivors there were. We need our voices heard.

So, the next time someone says their sentence is two long just say. What about the survivors of their crime. Our life sentence.

Hard times

I’ve really struggled over the last week. The media coverage has brought up some painful memories. I’ve been struggling with sleep. Mainly getting to sleep and then oversleeping.

I know that I’m now safe but it sometimes feels like my past is in the present. I’ve had some strange dreams.

I’m happy that there’s going to be an inquiry in to CSA. I only hope that it brings some solace to us survivors. And now the Vatican has started on the road to reconciliation. Maybe, just maybe survivors will get the help and respect we deserve.

Times are changing, now we wait.

The last week

With the Rolf Harris conviction and the scandal in the Home Office. This week has been hard for survivors.

When ever you pick a newspaper or turn on the news, there it is large as life. For me it’s been hard as it’s quite near the twenty ninth anniversary of my abuse. Also during this week four years ago I was very agitated over this coming out.

The memories of both events has been really hard. I’m trying to focus on the positives. But, sometimes memories can be stronger. Even when some ask the simplest question I can feel triggered. When I look back I try to see that this process is needed.

I really wish that there was support for my family, who have shouldered some of my burdens.

Over the next few months I hope to be able to discuss the abuse issue with our new bishop. I see this as a move in the right direction. To help the many survivors of clergy abuse. I believe that the only way forward for the church is to enter dialogue with survivors and look for reconciliation.

Time for action.

Four years ago, I thought I was the only one. I felt so alone. But from the moment I disclosed I found that there are more male survivors. Within a few days I met a male survivor. His reaction to me was, one of pure love. He shared his story with me.

Then he prayed with me, he thanked me for showing courage. He has walked with me. He has seen me at my lowest and kicked me up the arse when needed.

In this time I’ve met other male survivors. Both online and in real life. Everyone I’ve met, I have total respect for. Now more and more men and boys are coming forward it means that this taboo subject is no longer a taboo.

The biggest plus is that the government has set aside some money to help male survivors.

With the recent media coverage in the uk, it has been apparent that we need a public inquiry into child sexual abuse in the UK.

The politicians as always are shying away from doing the right thing. A message to Mr Cameron, Mr Clegg and Mr Miliband. Please start a public inquiry in to abuse in Britain.

Today

This is a post I never thought I’d write. When I grew up two tv stars I revered. One being Jimmy Savile and the other Rolf Harris.

My heart is broken. Today’s verdict is needed to show that just because they’re famous they can’t do as they wish.

Now is the time for the government to act. They need to set up a royal commission into the prevalence of sexual abuse in Britain. It needs to be open and above board. No part of society should be left out.

It’s time bring this in to the open. Time to shatter the chains of abuse in Britain today.

Today, justice has been done.