The past 

The past is a memory

A sepia tone photograph

Colours deminishing

Pain retreating 
My past, is a memory

A sad part of me

My past, the teacher

Showing me the way
My past, in a box

A place to put the photograph

My past, full of sadness 

The future full of joy
The image blurs

As I walk this journey

It no longer rules

It’s just a memory

Winning the battle

After the last five years, I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel. Despite false starts and setbacks. I now see the reason for the pain. I had to face it, to able to beat it.

I’ve walked down a path of pain and darkness. I’ve face my lowest point, the point where I thought I couldn’t go on. I have sat and cried so hard, I ran out of tears. 

Then I realised I wasn’t alone, with friends, with family and with the one who is always here. I am so lucky to be able to share my journey.

There have been times when I’ve said and done things that I’m not proud of. I have no excuses.

As time has passed, I’ve seen myself grow and heal. I feel that my life could have been worse, I could have ended up alone and facing an uncertain future. Five years ago I moved to Coventry, I didn’t want to go but I now see that it may have been a catalyst for me having to face my past. 

Now in hindsight, I see that my past was slowly eating me away. Now it’s like I’ve been reborn. It’s like I’ve been give a second chance.

Even this year I had those bad feelings. There have been times where I wished I’d never started this journey.

Now I know in winning the battle, by making positive choices. Finally dealing with my past and realising that I am the only one who can make this work. The more I think about it, the more I feel that this is a gift. I’ve faced my pain and I’ve realised I’m better for it.

I feel that the future is bright and I will beat this. One day I hope to be an advocate for survivors. 

My darkest days

You were there, in my darkest days

By my side, when I needed someone 

To comfort me, in my hour of need 

You held my hand, and didn’t let go

You saw me, at my worst

You sat me down, and cared for me

You know my story, beginning and end

You died for me, so I could live

Now you walk beside me

Laughing and crying

You see me at my best, even whin I don’t

You give me hope, for the future

Entering therapy

Sometimes it may seem that going to therapy is a normal thing. This is my third start for therapy. The first two were not that successful, I don’t know why. 

I have been reflecting on this over the last few weeks. I think that the time is right now and I’m ready to face my past. It seems that God has shown me that I needed to prepare for this and that time is one of the best healers. 

Sometimes, we’re just. It ready to face the pain. It’s weird that I had forgotten the anniversary of me disclosing because I was so busy getting on with my life. After the realisation that I said no to him, I feel validated and aware for the first time that I am not to blame. 

I know that I have to be in the driving seat, this is my journey. I realise that without this I will never recover. I will win and be a beacon of hope for everyone who has been through this. 

It’s a strange feeling but a nice feeling. 

I said no

Today I remembered that I said no to him. I tried to stand my ground. I never realised how much remembering this one little fact can beging to free the mind from the self doubt.

I still carry the sadness of what happened and I need to help the younger Ed realise that he couldn’t control what happened. 

I’m now beginning to see the positives of therapy. There truly is no gain without the pain. 
But I said NO

After effects 

This weekend has been really hard, on Friday I had my first therapy session in two years. It was EMDR. I’ve struggled with the physical demands of this type of therapy and the memories its brought up.

My eyes hurt and I’ve had a headache all weekend. Also my mind has been racing and trying to process the feeling and emotions. May I wasn’t prepared for the intensity of the memories and emotions. 

Catalyst for change

As I write this, I’m realising that despite all the pain I’ve suffered I’m a better person. Yesterday I went back to the place, that I realised I had a problem.

Five years ago this week I first realised that, I was abused. I remember the feeling of confusion and anger. I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time but I knew it was big.

Yesterday I went back to the community I was part at the time. It was their 30th anniversary, the thing is that it’s also 30 years since what happened, happened. 

I can now see my time in community was more than just a time of pain.  It was a time for change, change for the better. Listening to the homily at mass yesterday made me realise that I was lead there by God for a reason. It’s taken som time and prayer to see that I was sent there to start the journey. 

To begin the long road to freedom, as I now reflect on the events of five years ago and yesterday. I see the I was in the safest place to start my journey. Also, my achievements since then I can trace to the training and guidance I received in community. 

I now see this time of my life as a catalyst for change. I’m still on the journey, but with a purpose. I now realise that I must use my gifts to raise awareness of this issue and do it in a way that shows compassion and love for all.

Time to finally face my future.

For the last five years I’ve dodged actually dealing with what happened directly. Now is the time to face what happened and finally put it to bed. I’ve had therapy before but I’ve only skirted round the side. Now it’s time for me to name what happened and to work through it.

I now feel that I’m in a place to start this next phase of my healing. I know that it’s going to be hard but without the pain, there can be no gain. I’m now seeing how much I’ve grown, I’ve been able to start to enjoy going out again. 

Also, being able to honour my past. Yes I was abused, no it will never beat me.