Who am I

Over the last five years, it’s a question I ask of myself almost everyday. It seems that my identity was taken from me the day he did it. For years I put on masks. Many different masks, trying to fit in. It was like I was a square peg, trying to fit in to a round hole. 

Over the years I found that I’m a complex mix of fighter, funny man, kind and caring. I seem to have a sixth sense on how others feel. I’m able find the words that help others.

Who am I 

I’m a son

I’m a brother

I’m the friend in need 

And friend indeed

Who am I

I’m Fighter

I’m a survivor

I am Ed, just Ed 

Where this started

Five years ago I went to a weekend seminar with about healing. During the Saturday we did a trust exercise and the main speaker said. There is someone here has a long standing pain they are hiding. He then said there is a man who is holding back the tears.

This opened something up inside of me. I then went on mission on the Sunday. When I returned home the following week, I started to realise there was something wrong. It took me a few months to realise how serious it was.

In these months, I struggled with a niggling feeling that it was very serious. My behaviour changed, I became distant and angry. I spent days fighting these feelings. I never told anyone, even when on a mission I lost my temper with my team leader in front of the team.

So five years since this crap hit me.

Fatigue and healing

This week I’ve been really tired, to the point that I’ve struggled with the day to day things. The flip side is that I’ve slept better, which is good.

I think that the fatigue was a symptom of my healing. My mind seems to be Clearer. But my dreams are quite strange at the moment. I can’t understand them, they are about part of my past. I’m not sure how to interpret them.

Maybe I should just ride with them and not over analyse them.

I’m moving in the right direction. Moving from survivor to thriver.

The real Ed

I’m now seeing the real Ed. He’s such a playful character, he loves life. This is part of myself I thought in never see. I found that I can make others smile and laugh.

The past is the past, I know what happened was so bad it has affected me right to the core. But I’ve realised while healing, I can’t change my past however much I want to. But I can change my future by living for the moment.

The important thing is I’m now moving in the right direction.

Second chances

I feel I’ve been given a second chance at living. I feel that I have always been special. It’s like I’ve been given a chance to help others. Sometimes I feel that I’ve been given this mission to break the silence of abuse.

My words now have meaning. My thoughts shine through the darkness of abuse. In 2010 I sat down and thought how can I, a survivor help others. I was only at the start then. I was a mess, not sleeping, mentally in pain. But through all of this there was the need to help and share my journey with others.

My goal has always to help others. My dream is to be able to help others in a practical way. One thing I have thought about is working with survivors overcome our day to day difficulties.

I’ve been given a second chance and I have taken it.

Comfort zone

Over the last few weeks I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone. I’m now feeling drained, tired. However I’m reminded of something I heard. When you push your boundaries, you create new ones. Also, that I’ve grown so much. Which means that there has been pain.

Comfort zone, the box in which we live
The more we stretch, the stronger we get
The more pain we endure, the bigger healing we see
When we step out of our comfort zone, the bigger reward.

Talking about mental health

It’s still a taboo in the UK to talk about mental health. There is a stigma attached to it. Why?

We talk about cancer and other illnesses, but when it comes to mental health. The barriers go up so quick. There’s a stereotype of a mad person running around foaming at the mouth.

Do I run around foaming at the mouth, no. I go to work, have fun and gave a hobby. Does it affect me. Yes, sometimes quite badly but I am still me.

It’s time to lift the vail on this. Mental health issues are just like any other illness. You need be healed not shamed.

Mental health issues need to be talked about. So if someone asks you to have a chat about mental health, don’t ignore the person. Give them just five minutes.

For the journey

The realisation that it’s the journey that’s important is a real revelation that I’m growing. The growth is still painful. But the reward of healing and happiness is so worth it.

There are thousands of survivors who are struggling. I say to you “hang in there, the reward is so worth it.”

The journey is one of self discovery and self realisation. A second chance at life. I know there will be setbacks, but I can deal with those.

Take it one step at a time.

Someone once said to me ” if I ask you to walk to Edinburgh in one step, you’ll say it’s impossible. But if ask you to take as many steps as needed, possible (it may take a while) but it’s possible.”