Boundaries and abuse

Boundaries have been a weakness of mine for years. Some of my boundaries have been too strong and some have been weak.

Let me start with the biggest issue,  people pleasing.  I have always struggled to say no. This causes a lot of problems, mainly people just expecting you to always say yes. Even when you don’t want to.  It also becomes an unhealthy coping strategy.  From my experience,  there have been times when it has left me vulnerable and caused stress.

I now see that being autistic, has contributed to this. Trying to fit in with the neurotypical people.

The next issue comes with closing myself off to others.  This has hurt both myself and my family and friends.

So now I’m trying to build healthy boundaries. By starting to say no, when needed and to try and trust others.

The last few weeks I have made progress, because I am starting to understand myself better and accepting my autistic self, as who I am.

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Living life in high definition

Over the last eleven months, I have come to understand how my senses are affected by autism.

As with all autistics, my sensory issues are unique. My main issue is sound,  I can hear the smallest sound and sometimes my brain just shut out all sound.

It’s like living with full surround sound all the time. Sometimes I wish I could switch off the noise.

Certain lights also cause me difficulties.

One of the benefits of my sensory profile, is how I feel in the wind. It makes me feel so alive.

I am now,  beginning to really understand myself better but I still have a lot to learn.

New year #ActuallyAutistic

So, the start to my year has been tough. It’s almost a year since my diagnosis and the reality of dealing with my past, has become evident.

After the euphoria of getting the diagnosis has lifted and I can see there is so much work to do.

I’m realising that the autism may have made my trauma more difficult to deal with. Realising that some of my biggest struggles are communication and emotional regulation

I’m realising that my vulnerability, may have paid a part in the mental health problems, I’m experiencing now.

Since my diagnosis I have had no support. It has taken a mental health crisis, to finally get support. I have been told that I should have had some support.

Unpacking forty years of feelings

As I write this it’s eight months since diagnosis, I thought that it would answer some questions. I thought that I could get the answers in this short time.

However it is not the case. It seems that I have only scraped the surface. over the last week or so, I have realised that this is going to take a while. It is not going to be easy to do as, there is a lot of grief and pain. Most of it becaue of not being diagnosed as a child, even though I struggled and never achieved what I was capable of.

How do you sort through all these feelngs and begin to heal and understand. At the moment, I am learning how my senses are affected by my enviroment and the world as a whole. It feels so overpowering at times, I just want to hide. I have spent so long masking and trying to be “normal”, I feel I lost the real me. On my report, the assessor proudly wrote “the client has managed to mimick others, so to fit in”.

So hear, I am struggling to understand myself, because I cannot understand my past. I am not sure if I will ever fully understand, my past. But I need to try, because I need to move on and be the quirky person, I am meant to be.

Finding my Feet

So here I am, almost eight months on. It has been a rough time, learning to adjust to understanding the diagnosis and how it has affected me. I ahve gone through grief, anger, saddness and the realisation that I am not defective.

As time has gone on, I have found that my voice can help other autisics. There are some in the Autism Community, whose voices can’t be heard. I feel that as someone with lower support needs, I can advocate for them.

Over the last few months, I’ve managed to make some friends and people who support others. They have shown me that as a community we can work together to make a better society, where autistics support evereyone. Including those who self identfy, because they can’t obtain a diagnosis.

Because of the pandemic, I have had to adjust more than I expected. As time has gone on, I have learned so much about how autism is both a benefit and a curse.

Real feelings

So back in March, I thought I’d be so happy that I was diagnosed.

My feelings are now more about grief and anger. I feel that I have, may have underestimated the strength of these feelings and their consequences.

For the first time since this process started, I feel that I could really benefit from support.

I have not received any support or even the offer. The assessment team did try and keep in touch.

At the moment i feel lost.

Seven months on

So it’s seven months since my diagnosis. In that time I’ve had to fend for myself, without support.

The effect on my mental health has been tough. I’ve got to a point where, I have had to ask for help.

The Covid-19 situation hasn’t helped. The pandemic, has stopped my hobby and has isolated me.

I am thankful that I have made some connections on twitter, who have been supportive.

I’ve also struggled with my creative side, I’ve not been able to write any poetry, in months.

Lockdown has caught up with me

So the last six months have been ok. But now I’m feeling the pressure of loneliness.

I’ve got awesome friends and family, people who care.

This week, for the first time, I have struggled to deal with my emotions. I feel like I’ve been on the brink of a meltdown.

Dealing with my emotions #ActuallyAutisic #AllAutistics

As an autistic person, according to the stereotype. I should be emotionless, like a zombie. Even my diagnosis stated, he didn’t show any emotion.

This is as far from the truth, than possible. Because I have spent my life masking and trying to fit in. I have bottled them up. Now I have the diagnosis, there are times that my emotions overflow. I wonder sometimes, how I survived without losing my mind totally.

One of things that I am finding is in some ways I’m more emotional. There are times when I’m tired, stressed or sick, that I can’t control them and it ends in a meltdown.

I know this will get better with time and experience. But for now, I suppose that I should try and enjoy the ride.