Hard post

This post is incredibly hard to write, four years ago I felt let down. I was told that I wasn’t wanted by the community I was part of. At the time it was hard to take. In my frame of mind at the time, I took it very bad. I made comments, that I now regret. 

I regret saying and writing what I did, I know it has soured my relationship with the community. It something I’m not proud of. Sometimes I feel I should have dealt with it better. I can’t take back what I said or did. I can only take responsibility for my words and actions. 

If I could turn back time I would. I’m now in a place wher I can see, the error of my way. Now I wish to set the record straight. 

At the time, I was in a very bad place, a place that meant I wasn’t thinking straight. In my pain I said these things. I wish I hadn’t. 

I now see that I was in the right place at that time. Now I can see how far I’ve moved on since leaving. And I can see that now.

Sadly, there are some members who do bear a grudge. I’ve been blanked on a couple of occasions.  Now all I can do is shrug my shoulders and smile. I am not the same person I was four years ago, I’m older and I think wiser. My time in community gave me a safe environment to start the healing process. Now I know their decision was probably right.

Looking after the boy inside

Looking after the boy inside

He’s hurting so bad, can’t understand 

Asking why me, why me
Looking after the boy inside 

The boy who grew so soon

Asking what’s happened, what’s happened 
Looking after the boy inside

Looking back with a tear in his eye

Asking for a hug, a hug
Looking after the boy inside

All grown up now, learning to live

Has found hope now, hope now

Self care

Over the last few week I’ve come to realise there is more to self care than just looking after yourself. In fact the most important thing is that sometimes you need to stop and say no. 

Two weeks ago I realised that doing overtime was just me trying to stop being alone. The problem was that I was using it as an excuse for not relaxing. 

After last week’s leave I realised that I needed a break. A chance to just recharge my batteries. Also, it gave me a chance to do as little or as much as I wanted. So, I enjoyed the break and returned back at work in a better place mentally. 
Sometimes, you should listen to your body, mind and soul to find the right answer. 

Belief

The hardest thing for a survivor in the early days of recovery, I belief that recovery is possible. This is because we are programmed with a lie. This lie is hammered home at every opportunity by the abuser. They use phrases like “no one will believe you” or “I’ll hurt your family”. Well the second one is true, because when you disclose, it can destroy families. I’ve been so lucky with the support I’ve had, from the moment I told my dad the support has been amazing. 

Both my brothers are awesome, we may not agree on everything or anything at times. But we are brothers. They have shown me love, compassion and given me a kick up the arse when needed. The important thing is they believed me. Without question and totally they believed. Same, with other members of the family. 

I have to say that the first person to belive me was so wonderful. They sat and comforted me, they also helped me though the difficult first few weeks and months. 

The second part of the post is about self-belief. 
This I know is a huge issue for survivors, I struggle with this a lot. Especially at work, to the point there are certain words I can’t use. For my first three months in my current job I used the word sorry constanly. Now it’s seen as a joke but I struggle with self confidence. 

Sometimes, I question the belief in myself. Now I’m understanding that self belief a matter of standing up for me and having the courage to say no and to challenge things I feel are wrong. I’m now starting to belive in my own abilities. 
Whether or not it’s believing a survivor or having belief in ones self. It is so important. 
I would say if someone says I was a victim of abuse. Belive them, it may be the first time they have shared or reached out. 

Time to forgive 

I’m feeling that the time has come to start forgiving him for what he did. Firstly, I need to give myself permission to live. To forgive myself, because I wasn’t to blame.  There many things I have done on this journey that I’m not proud of. I won’t list them all. 

One of the biggest things was my reaction to being told that my contract will not be renewed, this was four years ago. It wasn’t their fault, they didn’t know if I’d be able to carry on. I reacted by bad mouthing the community. I need to look for forgiveness myself, for this. 

I now understand that it was for the best. I would never had made so much progress without this. I now see that I had move on to heal properly. 

So, down to him and what he did. I know I will never get an apology for this. He may never have to face me and to see what he did. By forgiving him, it doesn’t mean I’ll ever forget what he did. What it means is I can move forward and prove that recovery is posible. 

Why forgive? For me, I’ve been taught to forgive because it is part of my own journey. The act of forgiveness is not just saying I forgive you. I understand that forgiveness is part of the healing process. It’s an act of respecting my past but not letting it control my life. 

The aspect of forgiveness is all about me taking control of my life. 

Taking control

Over the last few days, I’ve had a chance take a look at my life. I realise that I’ve been working to run from myself. The overtime and not rushing home, being a major crutch. Maybe, it’s time for me to just be.

I’ve kept myself so busy I’ve not realised that I need some time to heal. I realised I needed a break. I’ve started to look at my future. I still feel that, I can use my experience to help others. To be a voice for the survivor community. 

I’m now taking back control of my journey. Spending more time healing rather than hiding in my work. That was just me not wanting to face up to my past. 

An unexpected journey

It started with an act of selfishness 

You couldn’t help yourself 

You took my innocence
You kept it hidden, covered me in shame

Your nod and wink, just keep quiet

I kept your shame, I almost consumed me
Then I saw the light, the warmth 

The hope in death, hope rebirth

I shed your shame, to bathe in light
I went on an unexpected journey

A journey in to the light, in to healing

I now share this light, to help others.