Taking control

I realise that in some ways I’ve been so lucky. Ok, what happened to was bad but it could be worse. I know of people who had it far worse that me. I now understand that I can be a force for good. 

The biggest thing for me was to be able, to take back control of my life. This hasn’t been easy, in fact it has been close to hell at times. I’ve been so lucky to have great people around me since this started. Whether it was community people or family or work. I have to say that the biggest help has been AmDram. Something I thought about taking a break from earlier this year. I’m glad I didn’t, because I feel so at home. 

Taking control of my healing has been the one biggest plus, because I can now start living. 

Less painful memories

Even though I’ve not had therapy for two weeks, I can start to see some progress. Some of the memories don’t seem so painful and some of the better memories are coming through. As time moves on I feel that I did have some good times and those memories are starting to come to the fore.

I once thought that I could never remember the good times. But the last few weeks have had a positive effect on my life. I realise that sometimes you just have to go with the flow and relax more. I find that I can control my feelings more and my sleeping patterns are more normal. 

Yes, I still struggle with negative feeling and memories. It is part and parcel of being a survivor of abuse. On the whole I feel I’m making progress and can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that I still have to face more challenges ahead. 

Recharged

Well now I’ve been back at work for a few days. So, time to reflect on my week off. I realised that is was close to burning out. My sleep patten was erratic, my mood was up and down and I just felt like I could run and hide.

It’s been a rare thing for me to just stop. The time off gave me a chance recharge my batteries and just stop. Looking back I feel that maybe I’ve started on the next phase of my journey. Taking time to pause and reflect gave me a chance to be thankful for all the wonderful people in my life. Those who have seen me grow and start to blossom. Those who have seen a different side of me and those who have stood by me. Too numerous to mention.

So, I feel that being able to sit through a painful episode has been possible because I’ve been able to just stop. 

Six years since this started this journey

In April 2010 two conversations about the former Pope’s visit to the UK, seeded something in my brain. At this time I changed. I started to change, I became stressed and I was sharp with members of the team. At the time I was with a missionary community and on mission in Northwich.

The last few days if that mission were stressful to say the least. The week after was hard, I had a choice to make. I was scheduled to go on a secondary school mission. The first two days of that week I spent in a hotel, thinking and just being me.

I did go on the school mission, it was hard. 

This set the scene for the next five months, I wasn’t sure what was going on. Little did I know what I was going to face. Six years on I almost forgot the dates of that mission. 

I see that a progress. 

What I want for the future.

In October 2010, I had a dream to be a voice for survivors of sexual abuse. This blog was meant to be a start. I had a dream to start a charity, this was to help all who have been affected and their families.

Well five and a half years on I feel that I’ve failed, because this is still only a dream. One of the ideas I have had was to start a support group, again this hasn’t happened yet. I know that this is an attainable goal.

Now I’m in therapy and making progress, it seems that this is a real possibility in the next few years. I have a passion to help others and be the voice I wanted to be all those years ago.

The future is mine for the taking.

 

At the start

This is how I was feeling at the start of this journey. It shows how far I’ve come over the last few years.
My feeling

I really don’t know I feel at the moment it just feels numb. I really wish I hadn’t started on this journey as it has caused me so much pain.
I don’t who or why I am at the moment. I seem to have lost 25 years of my life. I keep asking myself am I really meant to be here at this time. What if this never happened would I have had this call on my life? I woke up yesterday and I saw a person I didn’t recognise. It seems my childhood stopped in August 1985 when it happened. Who is this person I saw in the mirror? Why do I really hate myself for letting this happen to me? Why does it feel like I have a big neon sign over my head? Does everyone know or am I just going ma

 

I feel so alone hurt. Men don’t cry so why am I feeling so awful and tearful. Why is GOD doing this to me at this time? Am I in the right place I really do not know? I just want this out of my life. I am having real doubts over the future. I would just love a good night’s sleep so I can try at least to have a “normal” life. This whole episode in my life is just so bad I want to crawl into a bottle and stay there.

 

 

Are these feeling real or am I really this broken?

 

Alice has been really great by helping me through this tough time. I feel so bad all I see when I go to sleep is his face and hear his voice.

 

 

 

How drama has helped me. 

A positive reflection, over the last four years I have had an experience second to none. In March 2012, I joined a drama group. Little did I know that it would become my saviour. Throughout the highs and lows there’s been one constant. Wednesday evenings, down at the theatre. 

Rehearsals, tea and pub. What better feeling when you work on something for three months and see a finished production. The last four years I’ve learned so much about the theatre, what goes into a production and most importantly myself. My life has changed beyond belief, I never thought I’d stand up on stage or stage manage a play.

The most important thing I’ve learned is that there are people like me for being me. It has given me confidence and a reason to fight. I now realise how much it means to me.