Diagnosis 

For six years I was waiting for a proper diagnosis. When I finnished my therapy, I finally got a diagnosis. The diagnosis is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

Because of this, I now have the tools to beat this. I know that it contributed to the depression, I now understand how trauma affects my mind. The exercises that I was given have proved very useful. 

Being able to put off dwelling on negative thoughts has been a really positive experience. I’ve seem to changed my why me attitude to a what can I do and how can I fix this attitude has again been a real plus. 

The biggest plus is I’ve been able to start controlling my depression and not letting it control me. 

Second chances

I must be one of the luckiest people. I have been given a rare chance to start over. I can’t change what happened but i realise that I can have a second go at living. Six years ago I was just existing and then I was given the chance to try again.

I never realised that at the time I was in the right place. I did have the support and love I needed.  As I look back, I see that my own thoughts were mixed up and I couldn’t see the truth. The truth that I had been given a gift, the gift of a second chance.

Since I realised this, I’ve tried meet all the challenges with a positive outlook. I have posted something positve on Facebook every day for thee last nine weeks.

 

Picking up the shattered past

The last few days have shown me that I still have a lot of work to do. But when I look back to where I was seven years ago. I was confused and grasping for any and all things. This time seven years ago I really started on this journey. It started with a  drive from South Woodford to brentwood, even though I didn’t know it then. It seems that I was living half a life. As time went on I realised that my life had been shattered by one person and several events brought on by him. 

I think the first part was meeting all those new people, people who I can call friends. On 17th August 2009, I left home. Little did I know where it would go but I see that my strength would be tested to it’s limit. 

As I have pieced together all the pieces of my past, I see that date as a watershed. It was the day I truly started my journey to freedom. 

August 

This is the first August in six years, where my mind has been in a “normal”state. The problem is, I can see how the last few years have robbed me of my dreams. How what he did change me, how I’ve had to fight for everything.

I sometimes just want to cry my eyes out, as I’m doing now. This August I can see that after thirty one years of pain, that I have endured. Every August I feel so sad at what happened, because it was in August 1985 when he did what he did.

Over the last few weeks, I have posted a positive post. Tonight I can’t find anything to post. My true struggles have been keeping up the front that I’m all ok. Tonight I’ve opened that door, the one I closed all those years ago.

Yes I’ve come a long way since I started this journey, but I’ve still got a long way to go. 

My thoughts over the last week.

So this week my thoughts have been mixed. I’ve had moments of real emotion and some of drought. Tonight I decided to think about the reason. I can’t put my finger on any one cause. 

I think it’s another stage of my healing, learning to appreciate my feelings and emotions. One of the questions I’ve been asking myself is. If I could go back and stop it happening,  would I?

Well, to be honest I would never go back. I have learned so much over the last six years. I’ve met so many wonderful people who I may never have met. People who have seen me at my lowest and at my highest, people who accept me for being me. This gift is greater than hurt and pain I’ve felt. 

It may seem strange but in a way, I’m thankful for having to deal with this. To him, you will lose because I am standing my ground. I’m facing what you did and making a better life for myself. I’m beating your memory everyday in ways I never dreamed of, whether at my job or in my hobby. 

I’m standing tall and facing my past and saying “I will win, I will thrive”

Six weeks after therapy. 

So it’s been six weeks since I was discharged from therapy. I’m now realising that I have a lot of work to do. Trying to keep positive and upbeat is hard. 

I feel that I need to have a look back and try to focus on the progress I’ve made. This is so hard at times, when you get a thought just pop in to your head and catch you unaware. 

I feel that I need to find the answer to the one question, that may never be answered. I’m still trying to move forward but it’s getting slower. Maybe I’m in a dip and I will get over it soon. 

Sometimes I feel that I want to scream and shout. I have realised that I’m only one man. But I want to just hide under my duvet and not come out. 

I feel I need a break from the journey and sit with these feelings. 

Hope 

Hope is the one thing that has kept me going. Hope that I would get through the dark days. Days that I wished that would end the pain. During those times there was one thing hope.  Hope that I may find the light in others. I remember back in late 2010, sitting on my own thinking I’d be better off not being around. 

Hope is always there, even when you feel at your lowest it is there.

The only thing left in Pandora’s Box after all the evils were released was HOPE