Catalyst for change

As I write this, I’m realising that despite all the pain I’ve suffered I’m a better person. Yesterday I went back to the place, that I realised I had a problem.

Five years ago this week I first realised that, I was abused. I remember the feeling of confusion and anger. I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time but I knew it was big.

Yesterday I went back to the community I was part at the time. It was their 30th anniversary, the thing is that it’s also 30 years since what happened, happened. 

I can now see my time in community was more than just a time of pain.  It was a time for change, change for the better. Listening to the homily at mass yesterday made me realise that I was lead there by God for a reason. It’s taken som time and prayer to see that I was sent there to start the journey. 

To begin the long road to freedom, as I now reflect on the events of five years ago and yesterday. I see the I was in the safest place to start my journey. Also, my achievements since then I can trace to the training and guidance I received in community. 

I now see this time of my life as a catalyst for change. I’m still on the journey, but with a purpose. I now realise that I must use my gifts to raise awareness of this issue and do it in a way that shows compassion and love for all.

Time to finally face my future.

For the last five years I’ve dodged actually dealing with what happened directly. Now is the time to face what happened and finally put it to bed. I’ve had therapy before but I’ve only skirted round the side. Now it’s time for me to name what happened and to work through it.

I now feel that I’m in a place to start this next phase of my healing. I know that it’s going to be hard but without the pain, there can be no gain. I’m now seeing how much I’ve grown, I’ve been able to start to enjoy going out again. 

Also, being able to honour my past. Yes I was abused, no it will never beat me.

A reflection

From where I was five years ago. I was fighting my past while trying to live in the present and plan for the future. Struggling to move forward. It felt like I was dragging the weight of the world. Also like I was juggling so many different things. 

My life, I thought was so simple. I had a plan. As I look back I see that, I was running from my past. 

On reflection, I have to say that for the first time in 30 years I’m taking control of my life. This year has had its low points. It’s struggles. 

I set my self goals this year. As it stands I’m reaching and exceeding those. The biggest one is being more comfortable in my own skin. I’ve seen my confidence grow and my sense of humour return. I know I’m making progress and my future is so bright. 

Positve memories

Over the last few days. My positive memories have been stronger than the negative ones. Remembering the good times is now more powerful than the bad. Even to the point that I’m seeing positives in the painful memories. 
Without these the positives seem smaller somehow. Letting my positive side free, has opened new and exititing feelings. I’m feeling more alive than ever. The rub is the processing I’m having to do. My new brain seems to be working overtime. 
I’m now looking forward once more, to the life I feel I’m owed. 

Where to take this blog

Almost five years ago I started this. The early days were painful and my posts showed this. Word press have started courses for bloggers. 

So, from later this week I’ll be taking one of those courses. So there maybe some changes. Hopefully for the better. 
So watch this space. …

How I have changed. 

How I’ve changed, I’ve changed in so many ways. I feel that I’ve become more positive, more confident and more open minded,

The thing with being a survivor, is that for years you are constantly hiding behind the shame and guilt. Shame and guilt that burden you and way you down. When I disclosed for the first time, it was like a great weight being lifted from my shoulders. 

I have grown so much! I’ve had to try and make sense of difficult feelings and starting a new. The biggest thing I’ve had to deal with is my emotions. After years of bottling up my emotions, I’ve learned that boys are allowed to cry. Tears have flowed often and for long periods. 

When I was abused, I lost my innocence. I now have worked on finding and embracing my innocence. Embracing that part was so hard. Inside there was a frightened teenage boy who need to be brought home. I’ve stated that now and he is so special to me. 

The one thing that has been ever present has been, my enthusiasm to heal and help others. 
I’m now starting to thrive and more importantly starting to inter grate that teenage boy back in to a whole person. There is still a long journey ahead but I’m well on the way. 

Small triumphs

Six years ago today, was a significant day. It was the day I was accepted in to community. I thought that it would be the start to my journey to priesthood. A journey I thought I’d see through to ordination. 

That wasn’t to be, whether it was fate or by design I’m realising I have a more important role in life. That is to be a witness to the healing power of prayer and hope. 

This was the catalyst for the part of my journey, having the courage to step out of the boat and walk on water. Even though there have been times that I felt myself sinking. That never happened because of the people sent to help me. Those who held me by the hand and we’re just there. 

Everyday, I see myself have small triumphs and wins. Even if I have a bad day I know things will always get better.

I didn’t even realise the significance of today, it was/is the day I started this chapter of my story. 

My day

This post I’m going to try to chart a day. A day in my life. I’ll be trying to put my feelings and thoughts in to words. 
Most days I wake before my alarms, usually due to waking abruptly thanks to my dreams good or bad. Most days it’s a real struggle to get motivated, some days the memories a so strong it feels that I’m back in that moment.

As I get ready for work, the last thing I put on is my mask. The mask that hides my true feelings. As my day goes on I sometimes doubt myself. I sometimes second guess myself. Of course this is an example of a bad day. 

There are some days that I’m full of energy and I’m more alive. Even on these days the mask is put on. This is for me is now part of me. Some days I’m brave enough to talk about my past in a positive way. 

Normally, by the time I get home I’m completly drained and so tired. I do have a few ways of relaxing. I’m also getting in touch with my inner child. Giving that boy a chance to be a boy again. 

Then comes “sleep”, in some respects I still dread this time. A time for my mind to take centre stage. This time I fear the most as it is now when the memories are strongest. 

As I look back at the last five years, I can clearly see progress and I feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’m beginning to understand that this can be a blessing as well as a curse. Five years ago just getting out of bed was a triumph. 

Update 20/06

Over the last few weeks I’ve started to realise that one voice can rock the world. Positive thoughts, seem to heal more than ever. 

When things are going well I feel I can take on the world, but there are times when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Thankfully those day are getting less and less. I still however know that I’ve got a long way to go.

This journey, is turning into a wonderful time of discovery. As I look forward to the future, I’m constantly realising that my words heal others and as I write there is my own healing going on. 

I have now started to write my own story as a book. I like to think is a story of hope and healing for all. I also hope that though my pain, I spread joy and hope.
Healing is possible and a journey worth taking.