Where to take this blog

Almost five years ago I started this. The early days were painful and my posts showed this. Word press have started courses for bloggers. 

So, from later this week I’ll be taking one of those courses. So there maybe some changes. Hopefully for the better. 
So watch this space. …

How I have changed. 

How I’ve changed, I’ve changed in so many ways. I feel that I’ve become more positive, more confident and more open minded,

The thing with being a survivor, is that for years you are constantly hiding behind the shame and guilt. Shame and guilt that burden you and way you down. When I disclosed for the first time, it was like a great weight being lifted from my shoulders. 

I have grown so much! I’ve had to try and make sense of difficult feelings and starting a new. The biggest thing I’ve had to deal with is my emotions. After years of bottling up my emotions, I’ve learned that boys are allowed to cry. Tears have flowed often and for long periods. 

When I was abused, I lost my innocence. I now have worked on finding and embracing my innocence. Embracing that part was so hard. Inside there was a frightened teenage boy who need to be brought home. I’ve stated that now and he is so special to me. 

The one thing that has been ever present has been, my enthusiasm to heal and help others. 
I’m now starting to thrive and more importantly starting to inter grate that teenage boy back in to a whole person. There is still a long journey ahead but I’m well on the way. 

Small triumphs

Six years ago today, was a significant day. It was the day I was accepted in to community. I thought that it would be the start to my journey to priesthood. A journey I thought I’d see through to ordination. 

That wasn’t to be, whether it was fate or by design I’m realising I have a more important role in life. That is to be a witness to the healing power of prayer and hope. 

This was the catalyst for the part of my journey, having the courage to step out of the boat and walk on water. Even though there have been times that I felt myself sinking. That never happened because of the people sent to help me. Those who held me by the hand and we’re just there. 

Everyday, I see myself have small triumphs and wins. Even if I have a bad day I know things will always get better.

I didn’t even realise the significance of today, it was/is the day I started this chapter of my story. 

My day

This post I’m going to try to chart a day. A day in my life. I’ll be trying to put my feelings and thoughts in to words. 
Most days I wake before my alarms, usually due to waking abruptly thanks to my dreams good or bad. Most days it’s a real struggle to get motivated, some days the memories a so strong it feels that I’m back in that moment.

As I get ready for work, the last thing I put on is my mask. The mask that hides my true feelings. As my day goes on I sometimes doubt myself. I sometimes second guess myself. Of course this is an example of a bad day. 

There are some days that I’m full of energy and I’m more alive. Even on these days the mask is put on. This is for me is now part of me. Some days I’m brave enough to talk about my past in a positive way. 

Normally, by the time I get home I’m completly drained and so tired. I do have a few ways of relaxing. I’m also getting in touch with my inner child. Giving that boy a chance to be a boy again. 

Then comes “sleep”, in some respects I still dread this time. A time for my mind to take centre stage. This time I fear the most as it is now when the memories are strongest. 

As I look back at the last five years, I can clearly see progress and I feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’m beginning to understand that this can be a blessing as well as a curse. Five years ago just getting out of bed was a triumph. 

Update 20/06

Over the last few weeks I’ve started to realise that one voice can rock the world. Positive thoughts, seem to heal more than ever. 

When things are going well I feel I can take on the world, but there are times when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Thankfully those day are getting less and less. I still however know that I’ve got a long way to go.

This journey, is turning into a wonderful time of discovery. As I look forward to the future, I’m constantly realising that my words heal others and as I write there is my own healing going on. 

I have now started to write my own story as a book. I like to think is a story of hope and healing for all. I also hope that though my pain, I spread joy and hope.
Healing is possible and a journey worth taking. 

Dreams of a survivor

I used to dream that I was free

Free of pain, and shame

Free of the shadow you cast
I used to dream, I could fly

Fly away, fly free

To feel the wind beneath my wings
I used dream, of the day I could see the light

A light to guide me

A light to show me my true self
Now I dream of who I can be 

Of the wonder of life

Of the day I became free. 

This last week

So another production in the bag. Even though I had this week off I still feel so tired. I think the medication takes it’s toll, I’ve had some very strong and disturbing dreams this week. I am also struggling with aspects of the abuse. Struggling with confidence and self esteem once more. 

I still fell unworthy of praise and accepting it as well. Also, I’m realising that I do get tired very quickly. 

Last night during the final scene of the play I crashed. I was having doubts about whether or not I should be involved. The main question was “am I good enough and was given the role because they felt sorry for me”. Of course I know the answer but my mind decided to tell me different. 

I am really struggling with the fact I maybe on these antidepressants for life. 

Hope in life

This evening I watch a Vlog I made but never uploaded. I’m glad I watched it because it showed me how far I’ve come. From the depths of despair, through the pain of healing to a place of hope. 

Around the time I recorded that video I was, in so much pain I wanted to die. I was so alone and unhappy. Someone said to me this week, you have to hit rock bottom before you can climb out. This is so true, I have faced the bottom and started to climb to freedom. As with any journey I’ve had setbacks and will have to face them again. But now I realise the road is not straight and flat, far from it. 

Today, I went to a funeral. I realised that it is the journey and the companions. People, put in my path to be there for me. Whether for the long term or just to say I care. 

I now have hope in life. 

Small steps and giant leaps

Tonight, I’ve found out that my depression maybe more long term than I thought. My Gp had told me I may need to take medication indefinitely, to control my illness. I now see that I need to take it more seriously than before. 

It maybe something that I am going to have to live with. I’m so disappointed by this prognosis.
So what do I do. I’m functioning normally with medication, in a good job and have great and supportive friends. It feels I’ve let everyone down again, but I know it’s my make up and I have to bear this cross. 

A few years ago someone said “I’ll will never ask you to go to Scotland in one leap, that’s impossible but in small steps. One by one, day by day”. This has never been more true. So, I have to have help to function. Well if I was paralysed I’d be in a wheelchair or have a hearing aid if I were deaf.
Maybe, I can make the most of this by raising awareness of the issues surrounding abuse, complex Ptsd and depression.  So small steps win the race.