Flight of fantasy

I’m on a flight of fantasy, soaring above the earth

Flying, left and flying right. Up and down

Where dragons rule the air and eagles glide

A flight so free, a flight so wondrous

A flight of fresh ideas, a flight of fantasy

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Finding out who I really am

Over the course of the past few months, I have seen changes in my self.

Some of these are hard to see, seeing myself as a child growing up struggling at every stage. Then in to adulthood not knowing who I truly am.

Recently, my temper has been quite short. I’ve been snapping at people I know who care about me.

I’m not sure about the future now, the realisation that I maybe autistic is quite frightening.

When people say there’s something wrong with me. That frustrates me, I sometimes wish that people like me were just treated like “normal”.

Meltdowns

This is something that I’m just beginning to understand. For years I thought it was linked to my depression and the abuse.

There have been times when I’ve had full meltdowns at work, the last big one was about eighteen months ago. I completely broke down. I was off work for a month in total.

I’m starting to know the signs, I can normally feel it starting with anxiety and restlessness. I’ve started to take myself away from the situation but there are times that I can’t do this. These are the times I really need to learn about and how to deal with.

For me, I can see that there are some things I can’t help. I’m learning that I have to manage these times and take a step back.

Anxiety and and emotional tiredness

As my anxiety has lessened, I’m finding the my energy levels have dropped. I didn’t expect this to happen. As my anxiety levels, had been high for a long time, I think I was just living on adrenaline.

Yesterday I went out to help at my local theatre, but two hours later I had to go home, because my energy levels had bottomed out. I think I have tried to hard to fit in and be “normal”.

At the moment I feel emotionally drained and tired. Most of today I have been in bed with virtually no energy to do anything. At least I can spot the signs and act accordingly.

Learning about myself

Over the last few months, since going to my doctor, I’ve really started to find myself. Things that seemed to be strange, are starting to make some sense.

I’m finally beginning to understand why I do somethings and struggle with others. When I started my journey nine years ago, I never expected to be on a different journey to the one I started.

Every day I find out something new and wonderful. There have been some positive things, being able to be myself and not worry about what people think.

Fatigue and rambling

One of the things that I’ve struggled with lately is fatigue. As with a lot of my posts lately, there is a flashback to my depression and the abuse.

For the last few years, tiredness has been a common issue with me. I thought it was just the depression but I can now can see that it isn’t as simple as it sounds.

Having realised that I’ve had to have my “normal mask” on and that just brings on fatigue. I’m also noticing that I’m stimming more and struggling with sensory overload a lot.

This weekend I’ve had some memories of things that are making it easier to accept that I maybe autistic. One actually said to me “why do you always stare at me and others”, well I was trying to be “normal”.

This weekend, it’s caught up with me, I’ve struggled to get through the weekend and I’m still very tired.

Sensory issues

One of the things that I’ve always struggled with is sensory overload and shutting down. I always thought that it was a symptom of depression and anxiety due to the abuse.

It seems that I have never had any time without this. Since going to my doctor last November, I have let my masks down. By doing this I have accepted that I am different.

The current issues are mainly light from car headlights and increased sensitivity to certain sounds and voices, which is an issue with my job. I believe that by starting this process had opened up my mind. I’m starting to find the real me.

Changing the way I think

Over the last few weeks, I’ve had to change the way I think. For years I’ve been trying to be like everyone else. This has been draining and counter productive.

Since having my screening assessment, I’ve realised that I’m slowly learning to embrace the real me. I am sure that I would have beaten the depression sooner if I knew what the underlying problem was. But I can’t change that,

I’ve started to plan more at work and when contacting family. I’ve set reminders for making calls and reminders for my breaks and lunch at work.

This is all part of changing the way I think.

Signs

Some of the signs that I noticed that I may be autistic are, things that I have noticed. When I was at primary school, I struggled to find friends and I also struggled in class. As I grew up I had behavioural problems, especially when I was stressed and overwhelmed.

This happened at home as well, I sometimes felt overwhelmed with everything. At secondary school, things continued with me having problems with teachers and even lashing out at the head teacher.

I did have occupational therapy for around three months, this didn’t work. I still struggled to integrate and was constantly bullied. During the 1980’s, children who struggled were not diagnosed with autism as much.

Dealing with this I believe, gave my abuser a great opportunity. Someone who is not a normal teenager and vulnerable. But that is in the past.

For years I’ve had to mask the signs and try to be “normal”. Masking the signs have been one of the causes of my problems.

It’s taken almost nine years to recover, from the abuse.

Now I’m embracing my uniqueness and trying to finally be.