A post I didn’t want to write

Even though I’ve made progress in recent months, I realise that I’m slipping. I’ve seen the signs that I’m struggling. There have been more aware of my low mood and stress levels.

Maybe it’s time for another, spurt of growth. I’m realising that I still need help dealing with my past. 

I will try and keep the positive posts but there may be breaks between them.

Thinking about the future

I’ve been thinking about the future of late. About how I can effect change and help others. I realised that being open and honest about what happened and being able to share it.

The biggest thing has been, reconciling to myself that I was not to blame. Going through my thoughts about the last six years. I can see that I’ve moved on so quickly. I never thought I would be able to look to a positive future. 

Now all I can see is a positive future, a future where my journey has a positive effect on others at any stage of their journey. My life is so different now. I know that being a survivor and thriver can be difficult, it’s so rewarding. 

This blog post is post 1000,I never thought I’d get close to this amount. 

Being Ed

Over the last few months, the real Ed is beginning to show. I’m realising that by moving forward and dealing with the abuse and the resulting mental health problems, has freed me from my past. It’s been like living a nightmare. Thirty one years of pain and shame seems to be clearing. 

I’ve been so lucky to have great support from family and friends, in different ways they have brought out the real me. Whether it’s the friends I made while in community, these were the fist to show support. All those days when I could not look anyone in the eye. Then I met two people who just were there for me, when I wanted to just crawl under a stone and die. One of those held me when I was at my lowest ebb, he showed me that I can trust again. For that I’ll be eternally greatful. 

Then there are the people I work with, so accepting. So caring, in the last five years they have seen the best of me and the worst. They have been there for me and encouraged me, bullied me when needed and just been there. I could never ask for such great friends. 

Then comes the Guildonian’s what can I say. The last four and half years have been awesome, I’ve had the chance to grow in ways I never thought I could. From making my stage debut in 2012 to winning at the Brentwood one act festival. They once again have been so accepting. Leading me astray most Wednesday evenings. But the important thing is they’ve given me the chance to learn about being Ed.

Now the most important people, my family. In particular my two brothers, if I could choose my brothers. Tom and Joe would always be my choice. Loving me for who I am, accepting my decisions and being there for me. Of course dad and mum. Even though dad is thousands of miles, I feel he’s here in my heart. 

Six weeks ago I realised the real Ed is flawed but he’s trying to be the best he can. This is what it’s like being Ed. 

A timely reminder

Last night I had my first nightmare since finishing therapy. In fact I had two. It’s a timely reminder that even though I’ve made so much progress in recent weeks.

I’m aware that I am still dealing some serious issues. I knew that I would have a down but I understand that sometimes you have to reassess your progress. The nightmares are just my mind giving me an kick up the arse. 

Taking stock of where I was six years ago, I’m not the same person. I have become the person I was meant to be. This time six years ago I was in such a bad place, thought I would not see out the year.

Five years ago I was preparing to stat what I thought would be a tempeory job, I’m still there and moving forward in positive direction.

I’m so glad that I had the friends I had then and now the friends I’ve made over the last few years. 

So I’ve been reminded of the task ahead. So onward and upward. 

September 2016

So, last month is over. As I reflect on last month. I’ve made more progress in my healing journey. There is a realisation that only I can move this forward.

The biggest thing was coming out as Bi, this has settled my mind. No chance of it slipping out, so to speak. However there were other milestones. I think being involved with the one act play was a highlight. Winning the adjudicator’s award for playing “tinkerbell” was just amazing.

Also being able resolve an issue I had with the church was another big step forward. The feeling that for the first time I was being understood, was awesome.

Last night, I attended my former parish priest’s 65th birthday do. I have had a feeling that I let the parish down when I didn’t go for the priesthood. The reaction from all the parishioners who know me, was to say the least positive and caring. I think the fact I gave it a go, helped. 

So, what will the next month hold for me. Who knows?

20 years

This is something I’ve not really written about. But it is as much of who I am as what happened. For 20 years I worked for the Royal Mail. I started in 1989, when I was just sixteen, it was my first proper job. 

I look back at those days with some happiness. Ok I hated the early mornings and the heavy bags. The one thing I have to say is I was proud to do that job. When I joined, it was considered to be an honour to work for the Royal Mail. 

It taught me to value things, to take pride in my work. I hope that some of that has stayed with me. 

When I look back, it gave me a sense of belonging. Even though I left there seven years ago, I feel that I miss some of the people I worked with.

I look back and think it gave me chances, I never would have had. I have moved on from that chapter in my life, but it was so important. 

Walking the line

I’m slowly realising that my recovery can be a juggling act. Some days I feel, I could take on the world. Then the next I would struggle to get out of bed. 

I know which one I would like to be most of the time. I realise that I’m often walking a fine line, the balance between controlling my thoughts and giving in to chaos.

Finding out who I am has brought some comfort and peace. I know that I’m on the right path and I will beat this, but I have to be realistic and take my time. 


On sunday evening, I attended mass at my local cathedral. They had a special Mass for ALL survivors of abuse.

I did have second thoughts as I was walking up the road, I didn’t want to hear what was going to be said.

As I sat waiting, I felt strange. Then the parish priest, a friend smiled. This made me feel at ease.I know that the Mass would not be a magic healer but I had to go. The homily was powerful and poinent, it was a vindication of my feelings. It showed that I was still part of the chuch family.

It showed that my feelings and the feelings of all survivors are true and vallid. It has taken a few days to sink in but I now feel that my faith has been restored.