Why I started this blog

I think I’ve already written about this but just as a reminder. When all this came up for me, I only knew one man who’d gone through this. It was as though there was a shroud of silence around abuse and men. It felt like no one else has, had to face what I happened to me.

How wrong I was, over the first few months after disclosing. I realised that I wasn’t alone, there are thousands of male survivors here in the uk. It seems that still it’s a taboo subject. In the USA there are 1 in 6 male survivors, in November 2010, 200 awesome men appeared on the Oprah show to share their stories. 

These are the exception to the rule, there are too many men and boys suffering in silence (the abusers best weapon). It’s time that men were encouraged to open up and start to heal. This topic should not be a taboo subject. Men and boys need help to share their stories and start to heal. 

I still have a lot of healing to do, but because I’ve decided open my journey up  to help others.

If this blog helps just one person, then I have achieved my goal. 

Finding hope

When all the nights are cold and dark

And you’re at the end of the line

When all is against you

Look up see the stars, you’re finding hope
In the chill of winter, ice and snow

When you’re lost in the fog

Can’t see a way out

Look to the sun, you’re finding hope
When you’re alone 

And you think now one cares

You feel like there’s no hope 

Look to you’re friends who care

You’ve found hope!!!!e

Knowing the signs

Well here we are, less than a month in to the new year and the depression has reared its ugly head. I realised that after three weeks of struggling with a bad cold and the cold weather, I saw the signs of my depression returning. The negative thoughts, poor sleep and anxiety. 

It seems that I can recognise the signs and realising that again I need some help. I’m so glad I’ve got a supportive family and friends. People who really care and a job that keeps my mind sharp and able to focus on something important. 

So, again I find myself looking for help from the health service. I realise it’s all part of my journey, but it sucks sometimes. 

So depression it’s time for you to go and never come back (i hope).

Thanks for reading. 

Five years since my breakdown 

Five years ago I was in a different place. I had not slept properly for about four months, I was in a dark place. I place guarded by he big black dog. 

My emotions around the breakdown are still painful. I can still remember the whole week, the trips to the doctors and the hospital. The way I was treated at the hospital, being locked in the secure room. Just a couple of chairs and blank walls. They did say the “comfortable area” wasn’t available. The wait to see someone in that stark room. I did see a compassionate mental health nurse (heroes all), no doctor.

While at the hospital I realised that my journey had really started. The put me on anti-depressants, then referred me to the local mental health team. This was not a good experience, two appointments in nine months. 

As I look back, it’s with a hopeful heart that one day I’ll be able to just treat this as a sad memory. This however has been a catalyst for change in my life.

Regrets

Regrets, are like a broken window

It can never be the same

The moment has gone, never to return 
Regrets, are the moments we’ve lost

The love, the one and the joy

The moment will never come again
Regrets, are the teachers

Teachers of life

Yes the moment has gone, but it’s a fresh start
Regrets are like a broken window.
Ed shearer 2015

Let it be

Back in 2010, just after I moved to Coventry.  I got an email from my dad, it included the lyrics to let it be by the Beatles. As I write this I’m listening to it. It provokes strong emotions, emotions of sadness and of joy. Sadness because when I received the email was at such a low point, I had kept all the Abuse stuff from my family. The reason was I didn’t know how they’d react.

When I finally plucked up the courage to share this, the reaction was one of love and care. Those were very dark days and I didn’t know if I’d get through. When I read these lyrics it became an affirmation of being alive and a promise to myself. 

Now five years on it still bring emotions to the fore. Not for negative reasons but for me to be able to forgive myself and to start to forgive him. 
I hope these words of wisdom find meaning for you.
Let it be by the Beatles 
When I find myself in times of trouble

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

And in my hour of darkness

She is standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the broken-hearted people

Living in the world agree

There will be an answer, let it be

For though they may be parted

There is still a chance that they will see

There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Yeah, there will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Ah, let it be, yeah, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the night is cloudy

There is still a light that shines on me

Shine on until tomorrow, let it be

I wake up to the sound of music,

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, yeah, let it be

Oh, there will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, yeah, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

More reflections. 

I find this time of year quite hard, mainly because my feelings are heightened. I think it’s the dark evenings. I still struggle with social gatherings. This legacy of my past is hard to get out of, it’s like I’m having to tell myself that everything will be ok. My mind almost certainly tell me the opposite, even with the therapy it’s hard.
However I’ve been so lucky with the friends I have, that seem to know and are there for me. It’s amazing sometimes how they just know. Even when I’m at my lowest, they can always make me smile. 

As 2015 comes to an end and I look forward to another year. Hopefully next year I can continue to move in the right direction. 
What it holds I don’t know. But I look forward to it…