Six weeks after therapy. 

So it’s been six weeks since I was discharged from therapy. I’m now realising that I have a lot of work to do. Trying to keep positive and upbeat is hard. 

I feel that I need to have a look back and try to focus on the progress I’ve made. This is so hard at times, when you get a thought just pop in to your head and catch you unaware. 

I feel that I need to find the answer to the one question, that may never be answered. I’m still trying to move forward but it’s getting slower. Maybe I’m in a dip and I will get over it soon. 

Sometimes I feel that I want to scream and shout. I have realised that I’m only one man. But I want to just hide under my duvet and not come out. 

I feel I need a break from the journey and sit with these feelings. 

Hope 

Hope is the one thing that has kept me going. Hope that I would get through the dark days. Days that I wished that would end the pain. During those times there was one thing hope.  Hope that I may find the light in others. I remember back in late 2010, sitting on my own thinking I’d be better off not being around. 

Hope is always there, even when you feel at your lowest it is there.

The only thing left in Pandora’s Box after all the evils were released was HOPE

Running away

For so many years I’ve been running away from my past. Running from the pain, running from every decision. Blaming everyone for my situation, never accepting that I’m the only one who can face this. I’ve been running for so long, I had forgotten how to stop and look back. 

When this came to the fore six years ago, I ran and hid from life. Running from family and friends, I spent most of May last year in community running from God and my fellow community members. 

I’m only now realising that I need to stop running and let my past teach me about being the person I’m meant to be. Realising that I have so much to offer my friends, work colleagues and the world. I now feel privileged to be able share who I am with those who care. Those who live me for being me. Those who I’ve not met yet but hopefully will have a positive effect on. 

And those who have read my thoughts here, if you’re a survivor. You will thrive. If you’re just someone who supports a survivor, you are just the best.

I’ve never shared the fact that, I’m scared so much. Not knowing what the future holds. But the future is mine to shape. 

Stopping it ruling my life

For many years I let the abuse rule my life. It imbedded it self in my soul and mind. It controlled my every move and my every thought. 

I let it ruin friendships and family relationships, it skewed my thought processes and affected my school life.

Now I’ve started to stop it from ruling my life, I’ve found the freedom to say “yes it happened, but I have to let it go”. This has been so hard to do but it feels so good and wonderful. 

All survivors can do this, it’s hard but rewarding. 

The dark shadow 

Even though I’ve dealing with the depression better, it’s still there like a dark shadow. There are times that I doubt that I will ever beat this. I’ve learned that in a way I can use my experience of this shadow to bring light into others lives. 

There are moments when all I can do is cry, at these times I remember that each tear is a healing tear. Sometimes even when I’m smiling and laughing on the outside, crying on the inside. These days are days I cherish, they show that I’m alive.

The dark shadow, over my life

Blotting out the light

Following my every move

Always there, always near
The dark shadow, trying to cover me

Stifling my light

Draining energy

Always here, always around
The dark shadow, I know your there 

But the light of my heart

Shining bright, cutting through 

Slowly going, shadow gone

Finding my sexuallity 

This post is a hard one to write as it is a really personal thing. But I feel that the abuse had stopped me exploring this. For over thirty years I’ve struggled with where I fit in. The abuse stopped me from exploring sooner, it skewed my perceptions. 

Over the last few years I’ve come to feel comfortable with my sexuality.  it’s been a long journey to get here but I am beginning to feel at peace with my indentity. 

This is all part of my journey, a part that at times has been confusing. I’ve never really thought about it and the effect it has had on my life. 

The feeling of being at peace with my inner self is a wonderful feeling, being comfortable with who I am. 

A month on from therapy

So, it’s been a month since I was discharged from therapy. It’s been a strange month, I’ve had some ups and downs. As I look to the future, I realise that there is only one thing that is on my mind. The urge to help others and to show them that recovery is possible. 

At the beginning of this journey, I felt that I was called to help others. This calling is getting stronger, I can see myself being an advocate for male survivors. A beacon of hope. Seven years ago I believed that I was being called to the priesthood. Obviously, this wasn’t going to happen. 

I realise that my talents are needed elsewhere. This last month has been a watershed in my life. A second chance at living and serving others. It is by opening my heart and mind to different possibilities, that I have started to find an inner peace and a spark of inspiration. Yes, I’ve got a long journey ahead but I am prepared for the ups and downs. 

Being a voice 

I am realising that my experience of being abused has given me one of the greatest gifts. It has given me a reason fight and to use my voice. 

This was started to air my pain and my journey. Now I will use this blog, to fight for justice and fight for those who have are struggling to find their voice. I will now fight to get help for those who need it, to be a voice for the silent thousands. I have been given a second chance to live.

Survivors find it hard to find their voices, but now I can help those find their voices. I’m now at that point in my healing that I have the confidence to be open about my past. Yes it hurts, but chanelling this pain to create something positive and healing for others. 

I also realise the help certain people gave to me. I have never thanked them properly. 
I want to turn this in to the true voice of healing. 

Moving forward 

Moving forward after abuse is so hard, you have had your identity taken from you. You are damaged and broken. You have to live everyday, moment by moment as you tend to be hyper vigilant and stressed.

The thing I’ve learned has been that you have to break the cycle of worry and self hatred. It filters down to you core and soul. You live like a robot, trying muddle through and not caring so much. 

I have had to make an effort to change my mindset, this has been hard. Now I’ve moved forward, I feel that progress however slow is worth it. 

Facing my fears

One of my big issues was fear, fear of not being accepted. Fear of men, fear of him and fear of success. I now see that part of my healing journey has been to face my fears. It’s been one of the hardest parts. Fear stifles positive thoughts. It creates the flight fight response.

Fear is the start of the downward spiral, it triggers the exaggerated response. For me it started to encroach in to my daily life. It almost destroyed me.

Fear for me now is an ally, it now drives me to complete my journey. 
Todays positive post
Facing

Everything

And 

Rising
this is F.E.A.R to me.
#makingprogress