Fighting every day

For the last nine years I have had to fight for my life. Whether it be mentally or physically.

I’ve never shirked on the fight, ho there have been some days that I would have just given up.

This fight has been hard and I don’t know when it will end, because I’m struggling with fatigue and anxiety. Sleep has not been easy.

Life without filters 2

So, I learned over the last year. That for all my life, I’ve managed to hide.

I find that my senses are like super sharp. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by light and sound.

Too much noise can overwhelm me. Sometimes I both heat and cold can overwhelm my body.

I never realised how sensory input can affect a person. All of this feeds into my anxiety, which then can drag me down.

Twelve months on

A year ago I went to see my gp, to ask for a referral for autism. The response was to say the least dismissive.

I was told that I don’t look autistic and I’m able to hold down a job. You can probably guess that I wasn’t very happy. He said think on it and get back in a month if you still want to continue. I was also told that I may not be assessed due to cost.

I didn’t change my mind and I requested a referral in December. It then took three weeks for a screening appointment.

This is where things got worse, I was told that I would be passed to the next stage within weeks.

Three months later after complaining and ending up in a mental health crisis I got the forms for the next part of the process.

After a few weeks I was officially put on the waiting list, this was six months ago. I still have another six months to wait, so in total I will have waited eighteen months.

This has severely affected my overall health both physically and mentally.

Without the support of some awesome people, I probably would have given up.

Trying to keep positive

One of the hardest things I’m having to do is just keep positive.

There have been times recently that I have been fighting for everything. It’s like winning one battle and another one rears up.

The are days when I am just fighting off negative thoughts and feelings. There seems to be no let up at the moment.

This is affecting my concentration, which isn’t great at the best of times, so I seem to be facing a losing battle. Whether it is dealing with trying to arrange health appointments or just being there in the moment, I just can’t win.

There have been times when I’m so engrossed in what I am doing, people have to shout at me to gain my attention.

So it’s hard trying to keep positive but I am trying.

Frustrated

At the moment I’m so frustrated with the waiting. A year ago I started this part of my journey.

All the way through I’ve been met with scepticism from health professionals. Firstly my gp doubting me.

It took me several emails to even get a referral.

Now eleven months on I’m stuck in the system. Over the last few weeks I have even started to doubt myself and am not sure I should continue.

The anxiety is crippling, to the point that I feel that every moment of my life is affected.