Walking the line

I’m slowly realising that my recovery can be a juggling act. Some days I feel, I could take on the world. Then the next I would struggle to get out of bed. 

I know which one I would like to be most of the time. I realise that I’m often walking a fine line, the balance between controlling my thoughts and giving in to chaos.

Finding out who I am has brought some comfort and peace. I know that I’m on the right path and I will beat this, but I have to be realistic and take my time. 

Vindication

On sunday evening, I attended mass at my local cathedral. They had a special Mass for ALL survivors of abuse.

I did have second thoughts as I was walking up the road, I didn’t want to hear what was going to be said.

As I sat waiting, I felt strange. Then the parish priest, a friend smiled. This made me feel at ease.I know that the Mass would not be a magic healer but I had to go. The homily was powerful and poinent, it was a vindication of my feelings. It showed that I was still part of the chuch family.

It showed that my feelings and the feelings of all survivors are true and vallid. It has taken a few days to sink in but I now feel that my faith has been restored.

Coming Out

It feels like I’ve been able to move forward in a big way recentley. The biggest thing was coming out as bi sexual. It has not neen easy living with this on my mind.

Since finising therapy back in June, I thought it was all realated to the abuse. But over the last few months I realised that it was more than that. I realised that it is who I am and I am proud to be able to show who I am.

I know that some will not accept it, but do i want these as friends, I’d say not. This is an important part of my Journey.

 

Where next

I realise that with all the progress I’ve made, there is a side of me that wants to stop and stay. I know that this might be a wrong move, but I feel that I need time to reflect on my progress. 

It’s been an eventful few months, becoming more comfortable being Bi-sexual. The real me is showing through, the fun and happy Ed. 

Maybe, I’ll just enjoy the moments. 

This weekend I have a chance to embark on a new part of my healing journey. 

Three months on 

Three months on from therapy, I feel I’ve made so much progress. I’ve started to really find out who I am. It felt like I’d lost my identity, like something was missing. Over the last three months I’ve learned to look at things in a different way. Ok, I’ve have one or two down days but they’re expected.

The biggest thing finally feeling comfortable with my sexuality. Knowing who I am has been the one of the biggest things as well. Everyday I learn something new about myself. 

I’ll be honest when I started therapy, I was not confident that it would work. How wrong I was, it wasn’t easy. There were some awful times and I thought about stopping it. 

I’m glad I didn’t, the experience was lif changing. I realise that, I had to do the hard work.

Diagnosis 

For six years I was waiting for a proper diagnosis. When I finnished my therapy, I finally got a diagnosis. The diagnosis is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

Because of this, I now have the tools to beat this. I know that it contributed to the depression, I now understand how trauma affects my mind. The exercises that I was given have proved very useful. 

Being able to put off dwelling on negative thoughts has been a really positive experience. I’ve seem to changed my why me attitude to a what can I do and how can I fix this attitude has again been a real plus. 

The biggest plus is I’ve been able to start controlling my depression and not letting it control me. 

Second chances

I must be one of the luckiest people. I have been given a rare chance to start over. I can’t change what happened but i realise that I can have a second go at living. Six years ago I was just existing and then I was given the chance to try again.

I never realised that at the time I was in the right place. I did have the support and love I needed.  As I look back, I see that my own thoughts were mixed up and I couldn’t see the truth. The truth that I had been given a gift, the gift of a second chance.

Since I realised this, I’ve tried meet all the challenges with a positive outlook. I have posted something positve on Facebook every day for thee last nine weeks.