New starts

New starts and new beginnings

The end of the year, so much growth

The past is prologue, only the beginning

With ups and downs,

good things and bad

Hopes and dreams

What does the future hold

I don’t know, let it be

Bring on the new year

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A new focus

After finally realising that I’ve been able to put my past to bed. I’m now able to just acknowledge it has happened and it was bad and see it as a memory.

Since being discharged from therapy, I’ve realised that there’s something not right with me. In November I went to see my doctor, during the appointment we discussed whether or not I was autistic.

We decided to give it a month to see how I was doing. The upshot was I contacted my doctor to request a referral for assessment.

I’ve always been aware that I wasn’t the same as others, I had severe difficulties at school, trouble with coordination and other issues.

So, I’ve decided to document my new journey on here, the waiting for assessment and my feelings about this.

2018 in focus

So as the year comes to a close, I have to say that this year has been tough. It started with me having to complain to my MP, about mental health services.

It was all change at work, new team and new challenges. The early days of therapy were hard, having to try and put my past in perspective. One of the biggest decisions was to ask the police to stop their investigation, as it happened they couldn’t find him.

The theatre side of my life has been manic, from Shakespeare to panto. However it’s been awesome.

Now I know that after all the hard work, my past no longer controls me.

Next year will bring me more challenges, some will be harder than the ones I’ve faced this year. But I need to face them, to find the real me.

How do I become an advocate for change

I’ve been thinking that I can be an advocate for change. I don’t know the first thing about it.

Do I need qualifications or just a strong will and a good heart. I’ve been looking for some way to reach out and help others.

Since I started on this journey, I’ve had an insatiable passion to help others. Some may well describe it as a calling.

100 years

One hundred years ago, in a far flung field

Young men fought for our freedom

They were the brave and the best

One hundred years ago, in a far flung place

Between the bombs and the mud

They fought with heart

One hundred years ago, in a foreign land

Far from their loved ones

They held the line

One hundred years ago, in a foreign field

You died with bravery

You’ll never get old

And we will never forget.

Keeping Perspective

Even though I have struggled over the past few weeks, I look back a year and see that I’m so much better.

A day I feared, passed this without me even thinking about it. That day was a I went to the police station to report.

Whatever happens now, I have to keep perspective. Yes it happened, but it was a long time ago. I now am able to accept what happened but I’m not fused by it. I’m now a functional adult (well almost).

To live in the now, has been a real task. There are time I get triggered but they are not as bad as they were.

I’m not fully healed but I’m further along my journey, I’m able to deal with the emotions and memories better.

With only two more therapy sessions left, I feel that I am not the person I was a year ago or even six months ago.

Moving forward

Over the last few weeks I’ve struggled with my emotions. I know that it’s part of the healing process, but this is the first time I’ve really felt them.

I’m not sure if this is normal but in a way it’s kind of freeing. I’m also realising that some of my behaviour is affected. This kind of bothers me, as I know that others can be affected.

Sometimes, I tend to self sabotage. Which can be a form of self harm, I realise that alcohol is one of my go to things for self medication.

I also need to learn to say no, I realise that I should not have taken the role in my last play. I was so taken with the awesome summer I had. I didn’t see that I was not fully mentally prepared and I began to loose the love for the theatre I have.

So, now I taking a break from the theatre, I’m starting to miss it. I still need to recharge my batteries and enjoy the variety of my life.

What a year.

This time a year I thought I had nothing to live for. But, I filled out one form and spoke to a lovely police person.

It has been an awesome year in many ways, firstly having the strength to continue. To be able to do the right thing, by going to the police. That brought up its own problems but it was worth it. It caused me a lot of anxiety and pain. I had to relive what happened and come to terms with possibility of facing you abuser in court. Also the psychological pain of not knowing what the outcome would be.

I had to take a month of work due to the state my mental health was in. However, it did bring some relief.

I had less worries over Christmas and new year. In February, I moved teams at work, a fresh start. In March, I started therapy. This was weekly and now fortnightly.

The police confirmed that they weren’t able to locate the person who had abused me, time to draw a line under that.

As far as drama is concerned, it’s been a busy year. Doing panto over Christmas, then straight into rehearsals for A Comedy of Errors. I was also doing backstage work on another play. Then came summer almost no stop until this wee (bar week on the cruise).

Even though I still have a lot of work to do, I’m in a better place than I have been in almost thirty three years.

Recovery from abuse

I’m now at a point where, I’m starting to feel that recovery is possible. Having had to face for the first time. Having to feel and understand how much progress I’ve made.

This last week has been very painful, it eight years since I disclosed. In the last eight years, I’d never actually felt the feelings. I would let them overcome me and I would not be able to function.

Yes the last week was tough, on many levels. But I realise that, it’s all part of the journey. I’m not going to say a I’ve been cured, but I can now just observe and acknowledge what happened.

As I heal, I realise that I have good mental health and no longer an illness or a label. I’m now person who loves life and I know that recovery is not only possible but it happens.