The gift of words

I’ve been given a gift A gift of words My words inspire

I have a gift A gift I freely share Words of hope.

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The chance that it would come back 

The last few days. I’ve had a reminder of how much work I still need to do. I was kind of expecting it but not so bad. Since last Friday my mood and emotions have become more erratic. I can’t explain why or how, but there your are. 

Again I have noticed the signs and have prepared. This isn’t easy but I know every time,I move a little further in the right way.

So, it’s time for me to face the black dog once again. 

Seven years and thriving 

So seven years ago I started this journey, I never thought that I would have survived. I have more tha than survived I’ve beaten the really bad stuff. I’ve taken so many steps. 

When this came up in 2010, I thought my world had ended. I was so wrong, this is where my life started. Yes it stated in pain and turmoil, it continued with me contemplating whether I deserved to live. 

After nine months of total and utter chaos, I started my new life. Soon after this my life got more interesting. Little did I know that five years or so along the line, I would be writing this from a positive position.

But sometimes life gives you a hand up, well I have had that. With the help of great friends and family I’ve dragged myself out of hell. 

Now, I’m enjoying life, I’m feeling alive and moreover I’m thriving. Even though I have bad days, they seem to have less of an impact.

Recovery is always possible and anyone who is struggling just needs to remember that you are so worth it. 

My life is so good now, I would never have believed that I am a thriver. 

The dream

It starts on midsummer’s night, with a prince and a queen

Four fairies dancing around

Enter the duke with rivals and lovers
The mischievous Puck and the fairy King

An angry King, against the queen

Enter the fools, a play they have
Naughty Puck, playing Cupid

Lovers, mixed faires vexed

The fools and an ass
Fairies dance, the King is happy

The ass becomes a fool

The duke weds and the rivals friends
A play, tragedy and a lion

All is well

Puck is good
All in a midsummer’s night dream

The dream may be over

But the memories, last a lifetime

Studying for the future. 

So tonight I’ve really sat down and started my course properly. The thing about studying after many years of regret, is that you have to face the part of you that was hurt.

I’ve found that this course is more than just a qualification. It’s part therapy, part life saver. Today I realised that the work I’ve done is all part of who I’m becoming. 

Reading through the material, I can see that I’ve grown but I can grow more. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  

So how do I feel, in awe of what I’m doing. I know that I need to take this leap of faith. 

Tonight I’m feeling more human. I can and I will be the best I can. 

Update June 2017

The last month or so has been a month of change. Finishing therapy just before the end of May, was a big move forward. Over the last few months, I’ve been rehearsing for a play, it was my first role in three years.  It was hard but I worked really hard to overcome my confidence issues. However there was a big challenge, there is a part of the play that refers too Jimmy Savile. For me this was very close to my experience. I faced it and yes it made my skin crawl but I realised I’m able to face this now. It was a success, very tiring and I felt that I achieved a lot. I also know that I’ve found a new confidence ad this is due to my amazing friends (who are more like family).

Last week I started a diploma course in counselling, as I realise that I can bring some good from my experience. I feel that this can only be good. 

So I now see that I’m now in such a positive position. 

Courage 

I’ve been pondering about, what it means to be courageous? This is difficult because it means different things, for different people.

For instance, being able to stand up against a bully. 

For me, I see that courage comes from being able to be vulnerable enough to open up your heart. To be open enough to ask for help. To share a part of your life that has been kept secret. 

For seven years I’ve fought my self, my doubts and insecurities. Some times courage is the simplist thing, going out.

As time has moved forward, I realised I’m surrounded by courageous people. People who decide to help other for no reward or praise.

Some people have called me courageous, I’m not. I’m just one voice of many. 

Not counting my chickens

For the first time in months, I’m feeling confident in myself. I feel that, I want to do things. To be around others, I hope this reciprocal. 

My depression has lessened and I’m not so anxious. My confidence has always been an issue, believe it or not. My outlook has changed, I seem to smile(really not a false smile) more, I have more energy. 

Even triggers aren’t so bad, I here a certain persons name and know I’m safe. The next few weeks are going to be tough, but I know my awesome friends and family will be there for me. When I look back to a time when I would struggle to get out of bed. Now I’m so full of life.

However, I know that this could be temporary. So I’m not counting my chickens.

But for now I feel So alive.