Good days and bad

Over the  past few months my depression had returned, there have been good day and bad. On the good days I feel like I could take on the world and win. 

However the flip side of this, are the bad days, days that blur into a fog. What most people don’t know is that I’ve become so used to these days, I have been able to hide my feelings behind a mask. This mask for some reason has become a default emotion. 

When these days are upon me, even saying anything is a task. At the moment I’m kind of stable, my medication is suppressing the negative cognitions. There is still some turmoil going on.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve felt genuinely better. 


Another letter to the boy inside 

My dear Ed, 

As I write to you, I know that you have had some dark days. These will get better and  you will find that there are wonderful people who believe in you. 

Even now there are time when you will hurt more than anything. These times are when you will find the strength to live again. You have the strength of Hercules and the heart of a lion. 

As I write this, I know that you are a wonderful young man. You will face adversity and you will overcome it every time.

In your darkest moments there will always be light,  the light of your heart. 

Take care my younger self, 

Finding myself

Finding myself, this has been one thing I’ve been trying to do for the last few years.

I have had to take a good look at my inner self. I have spent long hours just pondering how I feel and where I’m going in life.

Learning to let go of my past and moving forward.

Now I have a diagnosis, it seems unreal but I know that I need to do to beat this.

This journey is going to be tough but I know that I have the support to finally deal with my mental health issues.

Taking my dreams back

Dreaming of a star that shoots

Zipping past like a flash 

Dreaming of riding that star

To the end of the universe 
Dreaming about winning the race

Never stopping, always going 

Dreaming about being back as a child 

The innocence so alive
Taking back my dreams 

Day by day, hour by hour

Looking forward, never slowing 

Taking back my dreams, seeing hope 

Living with mental health issues.

Over the last few years I’ve had to learn how to live with a mental illness.

I’m coming to terms that this really is going to be a long haul. There are some positive things, like finding more about myself.

I’m realising that if I hadn’t had any issues, I wouldn’t have met some awesome new friends. I have found I have a love of the theatre and I feel so at home.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I didn’t start this journey. In a way it’s a blessing in disguise.

There is a flip side to it though, sometimes it feels that it’s never ending.

I have taken the bull by the horns and I know what I need to do to beat this. I’m realising that if I look at the positive things that have happened, they out way the bad.

One on the downsides of mental illness is my energy levels. They vairy from day to day at the moment.

When I’m in a bad place I seem to be more creative and able too write poetry.

I know that I’m going to win in the end and recovery is possible.

Fire and darkness 

Fire and darkness, walking through the wood

Good or evil, the owls are listening 

White or black, which entrance do you take 
To the lodge, with pure heart

Opening play, who will win

New shoes or old, hiding in plain sight 
The woods are crying, why why why

The names of Bob and Mike, burning like fire

One bad and one good
Inspired by Twin Peaks and David Lynch 

Taking a step back

Over the last month or so, the depression has returned. This time it is bad, the feelings have been more intense and damaging. I got to the point that I had to reach out and ask for more help.

I have been to see my Gp and had a full examination, there was nothing physically wrong. So I asked to see a psychiatrist and I was referred. While waiting I had a crisis, a moment where I needed to deal with this once and for all.

Things have been tough and I’ve struggled with the simple things. My medication has been double and the side effects have been hard. 

Today I had my appointment, it went well. I have a diagnosis Recurring Depressive Disorder.the only treatment for this is long term therapy. 

So now I can take a step back and move forward, knowing that I’m going in the right direction.