The last eight years

The last eight years have been so painful and dark. On many occasions I felt that the only way out was to either runaway from everything or worse end it all. There have been days where I just faked my smile and was crying inside.

During these years, I’ve only really experienced joy on a few occasions, this tested my strength. I thought that this nightmare would never end. All I could see was the negative things and thoughts. There was nothing I could do to lift my emotional state.

After many attempts with short term therapy, four in total. I had my twelve sessions, then discharged. Not once did anyone notice a pattern, this is mainly due to the poor funding for mental health.

In February 2018, I wrote to my MP. She received a letter from the local mental health services, they admitted that my needs were complex and required more detailed intervention. I have been in therapy since March this year, it been hard. There have been days when I have struggled. These were because I didn’t hide from my feelings.

Now, I’ve made so much progress, I’m now having less therapy and learning to accept what happened to me and acknowledge that it’s there but just like an unwanted visitor who pops by to say hello.

Whatever happened to me, I’m more than the sum of these memories.

I’m now moving in the right direction, living life to the fullest.


The sound of silence

The sound of silence, the beating heart

In the dark, all alone

A sign of life and love

The sound of thunder, rumbling all around

Rain beating down, clearing the air

A sign of hope and peace

The sound of silence, in the morning

Then the birds sing, to wake all

A sign of life and of hope.

Emotional days

The last week I’ve been an emotional wreck, finally facing my feelings. I never thought that it would be so painful.

I feel that I’ve never been in a train crash, battered and bruised. Sleep has been at a premium. I know that I’m going to be better for going through this, but it seems like it’s going on forever.

For the first time I’ve not run from my feelings, actually feeling emotions and naming them. The anger and hurt has been at the centre of these issues. The positive thing is I’m able to say yes that happened and it’s in the past.

I’m now starting refocus, on my future, restarted my course and I told my therapist.

It’s ok to be, not ok

Even though I’m making good progress, there are some days that I struggle with. On the outside I look happy and well, on the inside It’s turmoil.

I feel that, at the moment I’m in a strange place. I feel that I need to know that I’m going to be.

This week is Mental Health Awareness week, it’s time to just take away the stigma of Mental illness. 1 in 4 people on this planet will struggle with mental health issues.

Whoever reads this, leave a positive comment. It’s time to say. It’s ok, to be not ok.

Energy levels

One thing I’ve not written about, how my energy levels fluctuate from day to day. I really struggle to manage my energy levels. There are some days that I’m so full of energy I feel like a live wire and the flip side is some days, I just have enough to get out of bed and go to work.

Sometimes, I just lose all my energy in a few moments. These day that are the most frustrating, as I thought it was a live wire day and by lunchtime I feel like something has drained everything from me.

One thing that does happen is that being around friends can be exhausting. It just saps the energy right out of me.

Struggling to open up

After 32 years of keeping my secret, I’m now struggling to open up. I’m afraid that I’m going to lose control.

The process is more complicated than I thought. I want to let go but I’m not sure how to. I thought that I would go to therapy and finally have the guts to open up. Things are so different when you sit and can’t find the words.

Maybe I should try another way of expressing myself, my therapist has suggested art therapy. Maybe I just need some time and some thought.