Sharing my story

Over the past few year I’ve shared my story. Many of you who have supported me know most of my story. As I’ve told it, it has become easier to tell. 

The reason I decided to share it in the first place, was to show that it was needed to be brought in to the light. Even now it seems that people don’t want to speak out. When I shared this for the first time, I felt that I was watching myself sharing it.

As time goes on I feel that a major part of my healing, was to share my story. I now will always be open and honest about what happened.

As for my healing process, I now see myself as a thriver in progress. Just like everyone else.

Finding peace with my past

Even though what happened to me all those years ago has hurt me in ways I can’t describe. Now I see that everything I’ve been through has been worth it.

I’ve realised that my journey has been full of positives. Almost five years ago I met some of the funniest, talented and best friends. They accepted me for who I am, including all my quirks and foiballs. That goes for to groups of people, my work colleagues and the theatre mob.

They’ve taught me that being myself can lead to happiness. Yes there’s still work to do but I’m finding a new peace with my past. 

Fighting my mind

At the moment, I seem to be fighting my own mind. Even though I know that I’m strong and winning the battle. I wish sometimes my mind didn’t work overtime like it does.

Sometimes I struggle to control my thoughts, even though I have coping methods. These methods work to a point but sometimes my brain is so active I can’t control my thoughts.

I however see this fight as part of my healing process. I sometimes realise that the fight makes me stronger. It gives me hope and shows in alive. The fight is good because for many years I didn’t fight, I just existed. 
The fight is worth it because I’m learning something new about myself. 

Living with mental illness 

Sometimes my life can be the biggest struggle. There are days when just getting out of bed is a huge task, let alone going to work. My problems are more than just feeling sad. I have days when I’m so positive, I feel like superman. Then there are days that I just can’t focus besause I’m so down.

Also, sometimes I can’t feel anything. Just a numbness and an emptyness. These day are thankfully few and far between. I also struggle with anxiety, I may seem calm on the outside but inside my heart is pumping and my mind racing. Even though I have ways of controlling it, living with it is interesting to say the least.

I’ve been so lucky to have the support I have got. People who understand that sometimes I may not be at my best. Living with mental illness is a challenge and I am up to that challenge.  

Six years of progress 

This time six years ago, I had my breakdown. There are some who saw me at that time. I was an emotional mess, I realised that I almost took my life. As I look back, I realise that day had to happen. 

Over the years, I’ve seen myself change. I’ve grown though the pain, I’ve found that I’m good at loads of things. I’ve had some bad days and some good.

If I was able to change things, I wouldn’t. I have met some wonderful people, at work and within the AmDram world. So have I made progress. 

My response to Theresa May

Today I found out that I will have to wait for another nine weeks, in that time any thing can happen. Mrs May, you need to be on the 18 week waiting list. 

This is too little to late, how many lives will be lost because you and your ministers have crippled the mental health services in this country. 

I have nothing but a great respect for all the mental health workers, nurses, therapists, counsellors and doctors. You and your government has not supported people with mental health problems, we have been poor relations in the NHS because you have not provided us with the care we deserve.