Morning motivation

So my morning motivation is this, in 2016 I won an award for acting. Well not quite, you see I was stage managing a one act play.

Also I had to do the sound effect for “Tinkerbell”, yes the fairy. So the part called for me to run around tinkling a small bell in response to lines from the other fairies in this play. I wasn’t seen, but I was heard.

At the end of the performance, the adjudicator asked how we did Tinkerbell. At this point, I shied away and kept quiet. Only for the rest of the cast to point in my direction.

So I didn’t fancy going to the awards ceremony on the Saturday evening. But I got a call from a friend saying I have won the adjudicator’s award for Tinkerbell.

I have put the certificate in a place where it is the first thing I see in the morning. That is my morning motivation.


Taking charge

So I’ve realised that I need to finally take charge of my journey. Over the last few months I’ve made some positive progress, but there’s so much more I can do.

Seven years ago I had my breakdown and I have lived in that moment all this time. I’ve not tried as hard as I could. However now I have to take the bull by the horns and draw a line under my past. I realise the reporting it to the police was only one step. As the process is moving forward, I need to be strong and start to become a voice for all the survivors who for one reason or another can’t speak out.

When I started this, I had ideas of starting a charity or support group. This ambition is still there, but I need to put all of this to bed finally.

So 2018 hopefully I will at least start the process of dealing with my trauma.

2018 a year of opportunity.

Strangely, I’ll be starting the year in a more positive vein. I have loads to look forward to, spending time with my family. Also I know that 2018 will be the year I finally deal with the trauma and the emotional effects of the abuse.

I also understand that the Police may not be able to take the case further, but I can now say his name and give him back this unwanted gift. I know that I can now look forward to a full life. Taking the step to report him to the police has been so empowering.

So, next year, I need stop beating myself up and engage with the therapy I’ll be having. After all this is done,I can be an advocate for other survivors.

2017 A tough year (Trigger warning)

This post contains Triggers.

This year has been tough, I’ve faced many challenges. I thought that I had made progress, but they were false starts. This time last year I was looking forward to having my medication reduced as my Gp had said I had made good progress. I was feeling more positive about the future.

So I started 2017, looking forward to a positive year. Things started off ok, I had a third course of therapy. This went ok and once more I was fooled into a false sense of security.

Little did I know that my mental health problems were to be the focus of the rest of the year. In July I started to realise that something was wrong. It started out as a dip. Within a month I went back to my Gp, he gave me a full medical and suggested that I may be Bipolar. He arranged for me to see a psychiatrist. There was worse to come.

In early August I had a breakdown, during this time I had a choice to make. To ask for help or take the final decision to end it all. Suffice to say, I reached out for help.

In September, I made a decision to report what happened to me, to the police. This triggered a new depressive episode. This was more serious than before. I couldn’t work for a month and this frustrated me.

The process of reporting to the police has taken its toll on my mental health. On a positive note, my drama has saved my life, with some of the best friends anyone can ever have.

So now I’m waiting for long term therapy, which I hope will deal with the abuse once and for all.

Here’s to a positive 2018.

The biggest step.

Over the last two months I’ve taken some massive steps forward. In September, made the decision to report my abuse to the police.

This wasn’t an easy decision, but it was the right decision. This has taken me seven years to get to this point. The catalyst for this was, seeing a play. The play was about one mans journey to face his past.

This made me feel uncomfortable, I new I had to face my past and take this action. So I reported what happened to the police. It did cause a big dip in my mental health.

Last week I gave my video interview, it was really hard but I got through it. Reliving the moment was painful and emotional. After a few days of being emotional, I realise the enormity of the step I’ve taken.

Taking each day as it comes

One thing I’ve learned over the last few week, is that I need is to take things one day at a time. I’ve been struggling with intrusive thoughts and ideas.

I’ve been waiting to hear from the police, in relation to my abuse. This has preoccupied my mind, so some days I’ve been taking it hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute.

Having four weeks off work waiting, has made me feel that I have been so lucky. I’ve had great friends who have supported me.

So realising that I’ve had to slow down my healing and start to use self care techniques and just take things easy.

Having to step back and reassess how I deal with the things life throws at me. So at the moment I need to play things by ear and take each day as it comes.

Coming face to face with myself 

I’ve an amazing day, appearing on stage and getting a good review. The feeling of doing so well is great. However this evening this has been tempered by a awesome play.

While watching it, I realised that the content was very close to my situation. I feel that I was coming face to face with myself. 

Coming to terms with what happened, sometimes you have to come face to face with what happened and try and atain closure.

After all my achievements today, I feel that I have a lot of work to do. 

Good days and bad

Over the  past few months my depression had returned, there have been good day and bad. On the good days I feel like I could take on the world and win. 

However the flip side of this, are the bad days, days that blur into a fog. What most people don’t know is that I’ve become so used to these days, I have been able to hide my feelings behind a mask. This mask for some reason has become a default emotion. 

When these days are upon me, even saying anything is a task. At the moment I’m kind of stable, my medication is suppressing the negative cognitions. There is still some turmoil going on.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve felt genuinely better. 

Another letter to the boy inside 

My dear Ed, 

As I write to you, I know that you have had some dark days. These will get better and  you will find that there are wonderful people who believe in you. 

Even now there are time when you will hurt more than anything. These times are when you will find the strength to live again. You have the strength of Hercules and the heart of a lion. 

As I write this, I know that you are a wonderful young man. You will face adversity and you will overcome it every time.

In your darkest moments there will always be light,  the light of your heart. 

Take care my younger self, 

Finding myself

Finding myself, this has been one thing I’ve been trying to do for the last few years.

I have had to take a good look at my inner self. I have spent long hours just pondering how I feel and where I’m going in life.

Learning to let go of my past and moving forward.

Now I have a diagnosis, it seems unreal but I know that I need to do to beat this.

This journey is going to be tough but I know that I have the support to finally deal with my mental health issues.