What I want

Over the last few weeks and months, I’ve been thinking about what I want. I’ve realised that I can give something back. I am seeing that one way for me to give something back, is to be there for others.

One of the things I’m considering is to study to be a counsellor. Some of my hidden tallents are, being able to listen, understand and empathise. I feel that I want to be able to help others, to stand up for those who are in that dark place that I’ve been.

As my therapy has progressed, I can see a clearer picture of what I want to do. Whether I succeed or not I’ll give it my best. Another option would be to speak about my experiences the bad an the good. Sometimes I feel that I have a duty to share my story. 

So, what do I want, I want to help others, as others have helped me.

The unexpected gift

When all of the sexual abuse stuff came up I saw no bright points. All I saw was darkness and pain. Easter is for me a fulcrum, a cross roads. 

I struggle on Maundy Thursday because in my lowest moments I feel that I am walking in the garden of gethsemane. Then on good Friday I always feel tearful.

Easter Sunday I have the feeling of being reborn, this has happened each of the last five or six years. 

The unexpected gift I talk about in my title, is that I’ve been able to understand others pain and try and help them see that healing is possible. As I do this my own healing is increased and my mood changes for the positive. 

Also as I grow, I see that it’s ok to ask for help and to accept it when offered. I’m beginning to understand that I my be in my forties physically but I’ve had to go back to my teens to deal with the emotional issues. This was told to me at the start but I never believed this.

The gift of a second chance of growing up, I’m so glad that I never took the ultimate solution. I’m glad I made the choice to live and to be alive. 

So many people have been there for me, from family to priests and colleagues to the best friends a bloke can ask for. 

Progress

These posts are difficult to write. Over the last few years I’ve charted my progress. Either by looking to anniversaries or memories.

This one is different, because I realise that I forgot an anniversary. Well seven years ago I had some conversations about the then Pope’s visit.

These conversations brought up the abuse stuff, as I look back I see that I’m better off by dealing with it. I seem to be progressing towards thriving and beating this. 

I said when I started this journey I wanted to help others, I feel that I’m now achieving this in my small way. 

So what progress have I made, I’m more self assured and open about my sexuality. I realise that only I can put this to rest. 

As far as my abuser is concerned, I pity him and I feel no malice towards him. What has happened, has happened. I can’t change my past, but I can make my future.

The last few weeks

The last few weeks have been really hard, starting therapy and the play have taken there toll. Tiredness and anxiety have plagued me.

However I see that I have to face the rough with the smooth. Also, I need to ride the rapids and not give in to my past. This is easier said than done.

I’m proud of my achievements of the last few weeks, having stage managed our last production and faced my demons. I realise that I’m only human an do need time to rest and recover.

Taking on challenges is a thing I love to do, so my next challenge is to find out more about the real Ed.

I’m still going in the right direction. I’m more than a thriver I’m awesome. 

Counting blessings

This is one of those over used phrases, but in my case I can now see that I have been blessed by so many things. Throughout my journey, there have been the right people at the right time. Some of those didn’t know it and acted in a way that wasn’t helpful.

As I look back, five years ago I was looking for a hobby, something to take up a few hours a week. Something to keep me interested in living, that was where I found a passion for theatre and drama. 

This is one of my biggest blessings, it has given me a second shot at life and hope. Also my job, it gives me the means to follow my hobby.

I am now in a better place than ever and I can see that the hard times have been worth it.

So for me I will continue to count my blessings. 

Thriving for the future

This  isn’t the topic I was going to write about. But sometimes you should go with the flow.
Part of my plan for dealing with this is to sort out my mental health. Today I started to deal with the mood swings and thy and restore some equilibrium to my thoughts and mind.

I know I’ll have to do the hard work, this is the only way I’ll really beat this once and for all. I realise that I overthink things, read things in to a situation that aren’t really there. I must remember to be kind to myself and not let my doubts rule my mind.

Sometimes, I let that doubt win. Now I must silence that doubt and just accept that I’m not perfect (I am really). Now is the time I start thriving. 

Living with mental illnessĀ 

So for the last six years or so I’ve lived with mental illness, I’ve had my up’s and down’s. The problem is my mind is like a roulette, I don’t know how I’ll wake up of a morning. 

Whether I’m going to be on a high or not. I’m struggling to comprehend my feelings at the moment. Also struggling at work sometimes.

Even with the coping methods I have, I get overwhelmed with emotion and anxiety. This is not an easy way to live but I get on with my life. Hopefully keeping positive while dealing with this. 

How writing helps

Over the last few days and weeks I’ve struggled with my mood. However sometimes just writing down my feelings has helped focus my mind.

It’s times like this that I’m more creative. Somethings are easy to write about, but my feelings when down is hard. Sometimes I realise that you just have to ride the wave. I have been so lucky to have a large group of people who care about me. There are some just dealing with this on their own.

When I write, I feel empowered and invincible. I can take on the world and some. I hope my words help others and can show that recovery is possible.

Even though I’m struggling I can see how far I’ve come. Ever onwards to be the person I am meant to be. 

How I’ve conquered the lows

So over the last few weeks I’ve been able to stabilise my moods. It has not been easy, but what I’ve done is take some time each day to see what my issues are and see if I can deal with them. If not just say to myself “there’s nothing I can do, so time to move on”.

Also, the realisation that I can’t change the past and some self care. More time to rest and understand who I am. One of the biggest reasons is that I’m making time for my hobby. Going down to the theatre on a Saturday to help with the set and spending time with great friends. 

I know that there will be more lows and I hope that my therapy appointment comes through soon. 

My inner child

Sometimes I feel the need to let my inner child have some time. He is the one part of me I so want to protect. Sometimes it does you good to just let your adult side rest a bit. 

As I lost most of my teenage years, I realise that there is a thirteen year old boy just feeling alone. Over the last few years I’ve learned to let my inner child out so he can heal. 

This sometimes is the best therapy, no cares or worries for a few hours. As I heal, I know that my inner child will heal as well. I am realising that to be whole, I need to accept my inner child and feel comfortable.