Coming face to face with myself 

I’ve an amazing day, appearing on stage and getting a good review. The feeling of doing so well is great. However this evening this has been tempered by a awesome play.

While watching it, I realised that the content was very close to my situation. I feel that I was coming face to face with myself. 

Coming to terms with what happened, sometimes you have to come face to face with what happened and try and atain closure.

After all my achievements today, I feel that I have a lot of work to do. 

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Good days and bad

Over the  past few months my depression had returned, there have been good day and bad. On the good days I feel like I could take on the world and win. 

However the flip side of this, are the bad days, days that blur into a fog. What most people don’t know is that I’ve become so used to these days, I have been able to hide my feelings behind a mask. This mask for some reason has become a default emotion. 

When these days are upon me, even saying anything is a task. At the moment I’m kind of stable, my medication is suppressing the negative cognitions. There is still some turmoil going on.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve felt genuinely better. 

Another letter to the boy inside 

My dear Ed, 

As I write to you, I know that you have had some dark days. These will get better and  you will find that there are wonderful people who believe in you. 

Even now there are time when you will hurt more than anything. These times are when you will find the strength to live again. You have the strength of Hercules and the heart of a lion. 

As I write this, I know that you are a wonderful young man. You will face adversity and you will overcome it every time.

In your darkest moments there will always be light,  the light of your heart. 

Take care my younger self, 
Ed 

Finding myself

Finding myself, this has been one thing I’ve been trying to do for the last few years.

I have had to take a good look at my inner self. I have spent long hours just pondering how I feel and where I’m going in life.

Learning to let go of my past and moving forward.

Now I have a diagnosis, it seems unreal but I know that I need to do to beat this.

This journey is going to be tough but I know that I have the support to finally deal with my mental health issues.

Living with mental health issues.

Over the last few years I’ve had to learn how to live with a mental illness.

I’m coming to terms that this really is going to be a long haul. There are some positive things, like finding more about myself.

I’m realising that if I hadn’t had any issues, I wouldn’t have met some awesome new friends. I have found I have a love of the theatre and I feel so at home.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I didn’t start this journey. In a way it’s a blessing in disguise.

There is a flip side to it though, sometimes it feels that it’s never ending.

I have taken the bull by the horns and I know what I need to do to beat this. I’m realising that if I look at the positive things that have happened, they out way the bad.

One on the downsides of mental illness is my energy levels. They vairy from day to day at the moment.

When I’m in a bad place I seem to be more creative and able too write poetry.

I know that I’m going to win in the end and recovery is possible.

Taking a step back

Over the last month or so, the depression has returned. This time it is bad, the feelings have been more intense and damaging. I got to the point that I had to reach out and ask for more help.

I have been to see my Gp and had a full examination, there was nothing physically wrong. So I asked to see a psychiatrist and I was referred. While waiting I had a crisis, a moment where I needed to deal with this once and for all.

Things have been tough and I’ve struggled with the simple things. My medication has been double and the side effects have been hard. 

Today I had my appointment, it went well. I have a diagnosis Recurring Depressive Disorder.the only treatment for this is long term therapy. 

So now I can take a step back and move forward, knowing that I’m going in the right direction.

The chance that it would come back 

The last few days. I’ve had a reminder of how much work I still need to do. I was kind of expecting it but not so bad. Since last Friday my mood and emotions have become more erratic. I can’t explain why or how, but there your are. 

Again I have noticed the signs and have prepared. This isn’t easy but I know every time,I move a little further in the right way.

So, it’s time for me to face the black dog once again. 

Seven years and thriving 

So seven years ago I started this journey, I never thought that I would have survived. I have more tha than survived I’ve beaten the really bad stuff. I’ve taken so many steps. 

When this came up in 2010, I thought my world had ended. I was so wrong, this is where my life started. Yes it stated in pain and turmoil, it continued with me contemplating whether I deserved to live. 

After nine months of total and utter chaos, I started my new life. Soon after this my life got more interesting. Little did I know that five years or so along the line, I would be writing this from a positive position.

But sometimes life gives you a hand up, well I have had that. With the help of great friends and family I’ve dragged myself out of hell. 

Now, I’m enjoying life, I’m feeling alive and moreover I’m thriving. Even though I have bad days, they seem to have less of an impact.

Recovery is always possible and anyone who is struggling just needs to remember that you are so worth it. 

My life is so good now, I would never have believed that I am a thriver. 

Studying for the future. 

So tonight I’ve really sat down and started my course properly. The thing about studying after many years of regret, is that you have to face the part of you that was hurt.

I’ve found that this course is more than just a qualification. It’s part therapy, part life saver. Today I realised that the work I’ve done is all part of who I’m becoming. 

Reading through the material, I can see that I’ve grown but I can grow more. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  

So how do I feel, in awe of what I’m doing. I know that I need to take this leap of faith. 

Tonight I’m feeling more human. I can and I will be the best I can. 

Update June 2017

The last month or so has been a month of change. Finishing therapy just before the end of May, was a big move forward. Over the last few months, I’ve been rehearsing for a play, it was my first role in three years.  It was hard but I worked really hard to overcome my confidence issues. However there was a big challenge, there is a part of the play that refers too Jimmy Savile. For me this was very close to my experience. I faced it and yes it made my skin crawl but I realised I’m able to face this now. It was a success, very tiring and I felt that I achieved a lot. I also know that I’ve found a new confidence ad this is due to my amazing friends (who are more like family).

Last week I started a diploma course in counselling, as I realise that I can bring some good from my experience. I feel that this can only be good. 

So I now see that I’m now in such a positive position.