Update: screening assessment

On Wednesday morning I had a fifty minute assessment appointment over the phone. This was very hard, as I had to go through my life story including the abuse.

Over the week or so, I had made notes (two and a half pages worth). I have issues expressing myself on the phone, never sure when I’m supposed to speak or not, so that wasn’t easy. I also get anxious when talking on the phone.

The upshot of the assessment was, that they will be referring me for full assessment.

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Preparing for my assessment

The last week or so, I have been taking online tests and writing down how I am dealing with life.

The online tests are indicating I may be on the autism spectrum, I’ve scored highly on neurodiversity scale. I know that they’re not a diagnosis but with my behaviour and the way I deal with problems, they’re an indicator.

I’ve been writing down the things that could help during my assessment.

Moving in the right direction.

So it’s been confirmed by my doctor that he has referred me to the mental health team.

At the moment I feel that I’m going in the right direction, even though I’m not sure of what is going to happen.

At the moment my anxiety levels are quite high, my gp wanted to discuss depression. I’m not depressed at all.

I’m having some sensory issues, but I’ve probably had to deal with these issues before. Just not knowing that it wasn’t related to abuse.

Why I’m getting a diagnosis

Some have asked why? Well after dealing with the depression and fighting my past. I’m still aware that something isn’t right, going back forty years and all my struggles at school and with my coordination issues.

I’ve always struggled to find and make friends, I was bullied because I was different.

I need to know not because I want a label but to confirm that this is the real me.

Energy levels

I may well have written about this before, but not for this reason. I am finding that my emotions are governing my energy levels, or more truthfully how much stimulation they have had.

I understand that depression can affect energy levels, but I never realised that just going through the routine of every day life can affect them.

Over the last few weeks, as I’ve started to learn how to manage my energy levels. This is a learning curve.

Embracing my quirkinesses

I’ve never been so happy to embrace my quirkinesses, I now realise that I’m a bit weird. I have a new appreciation for the person I am meant to be.

No more hiding as a someone who is trying to fit in, just being me. I realise that the therapy I had last year was a catalyst for change. It opened my eyes and my heart to the beauty that my quirkinesses is.

They say that you must be comfortable in your skin, for the first time I’m ok with that.

Seeing layers

Since last November, I have started to peel away some of the layers of pain and hurt. What I’ve found is that I’m a unique person.

My uniqueness is wonderfully simple. I’m more self aware and this is a real strength, my eyes have been opened to the beauty of the world.

I can’t ever say that I am perfect, but there is now a clarity in my life.

Keeping it simple

I’m realising that I need to keep it simple. I always seem to over think things. So part of my new year resolution. Is to just be the best I can be.

Also, I need to stop saying sorry and what have I done wrong. I know that challenges are going to be hard but I’m sure that I will rise to them.

This year will hopefully bring me answers dating back to my early childhood.

School days

So to start the new year, with a insight into who I am.

Schooling for me was hard, from the age of 5 i struggled with coordination issues and handwriting problems. By the time I was 8 these were at the point the I had to see educational therapist and the just said I was “slow”. 

There were occasions that I was shamed in front of the whole class for my poor handwriting. My parents had many discussions with various teachers and specialists, this always lead to being labeled as lazy and slow. 

Things did get better when i went to secondary school, where i got some of the help i needed, even then I struggled to achieve the basics.   I had occupational therapy for several months in my second year again no one noticed there maybe something more going on. I struggled through the rest of my school years. 

When I left i managed to get a job with the Post Office, I managed to get some qualifications while there. I spent 20 years there. 

I now realise that after having a chat with family they asked for an assessment back in the 1980’s. I wasn’t forthcoming. Now I’m waiting for my diagnosis.  

A new focus

After finally realising that I’ve been able to put my past to bed. I’m now able to just acknowledge it has happened and it was bad and see it as a memory.

Since being discharged from therapy, I’ve realised that there’s something not right with me. In November I went to see my doctor, during the appointment we discussed whether or not I was autistic.

We decided to give it a month to see how I was doing. The upshot was I contacted my doctor to request a referral for assessment.

I’ve always been aware that I wasn’t the same as others, I had severe difficulties at school, trouble with coordination and other issues.

So, I’ve decided to document my new journey on here, the waiting for assessment and my feelings about this.