The wounded memory

The wounded memory, the pain that never goes

The moment, frozen in time

For good or ill,

The wounded memory, slowly healing

Day by day, night by night

Moving forward, to peace

The wounded memory, never fully healed

But feeling safe, feeling alive

Hopeful, living again

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Emotional days

The last week I’ve been an emotional wreck, finally facing my feelings. I never thought that it would be so painful.

I feel that I’ve never been in a train crash, battered and bruised. Sleep has been at a premium. I know that I’m going to be better for going through this, but it seems like it’s going on forever.

For the first time I’ve not run from my feelings, actually feeling emotions and naming them. The anger and hurt has been at the centre of these issues. The positive thing is I’m able to say yes that happened and it’s in the past.

I’m now starting refocus, on my future, restarted my course and I told my therapist.

It’s ok to be, not ok

Even though I’m making good progress, there are some days that I struggle with. On the outside I look happy and well, on the inside It’s turmoil.

I feel that, at the moment I’m in a strange place. I feel that I need to know that I’m going to be.

This week is Mental Health Awareness week, it’s time to just take away the stigma of Mental illness. 1 in 4 people on this planet will struggle with mental health issues.

Whoever reads this, leave a positive comment. It’s time to say. It’s ok, to be not ok.

Energy levels

One thing I’ve not written about, how my energy levels fluctuate from day to day. I really struggle to manage my energy levels. There are some days that I’m so full of energy I feel like a live wire and the flip side is some days, I just have enough to get out of bed and go to work.

Sometimes, I just lose all my energy in a few moments. These day that are the most frustrating, as I thought it was a live wire day and by lunchtime I feel like something has drained everything from me.

One thing that does happen is that being around friends can be exhausting. It just saps the energy right out of me.

Struggling to open up

After 32 years of keeping my secret, I’m now struggling to open up. I’m afraid that I’m going to lose control.

The process is more complicated than I thought. I want to let go but I’m not sure how to. I thought that I would go to therapy and finally have the guts to open up. Things are so different when you sit and can’t find the words.

Maybe I should try another way of expressing myself, my therapist has suggested art therapy. Maybe I just need some time and some thought.

Progress

In the last eight months, I’ve made so much progress. In August last year I made a decision to live.

I had got to a point where I could only see one outcome, an outcome that would have hurt so many people. I made the choice to seek help, rather than not. Since then I’ve been on a double dose of medication, this isn’t a perfect solution but a necessary one.

For the first few months, I struggled with the side effects and getting used to the higher dose. Over these months I’ve found that my depression is under control. Not cured but under control.

I now have an opportunity to deal with the abuse and have no fear about discussing it in therapy. Now the police investigation is over, I can work on accepting what happened and integrate those memories with all the positive memories I have.

I’m still a work in progress.