The biggest step.

Over the last two months I’ve taken some massive steps forward. In September, made the decision to report my abuse to the police.

This wasn’t an easy decision, but it was the right decision. This has taken me seven years to get to this point. The catalyst for this was, seeing a play. The play was about one mans journey to face his past.

This made me feel uncomfortable, I new I had to face my past and take this action. So I reported what happened to the police. It did cause a big dip in my mental health.

Last week I gave my video interview, it was really hard but I got through it. Reliving the moment was painful and emotional. After a few days of being emotional, I realise the enormity of the step I’ve taken.

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Taking each day as it comes

One thing I’ve learned over the last few week, is that I need is to take things one day at a time. I’ve been struggling with intrusive thoughts and ideas.

I’ve been waiting to hear from the police, in relation to my abuse. This has preoccupied my mind, so some days I’ve been taking it hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute.

Having four weeks off work waiting, has made me feel that I have been so lucky. I’ve had great friends who have supported me.

So realising that I’ve had to slow down my healing and start to use self care techniques and just take things easy.

Having to step back and reassess how I deal with the things life throws at me. So at the moment I need to play things by ear and take each day as it comes.

The tunnel 

The tunnel, as you enter

The dark encompasses you

Fear, loneliness and dread 

You continue alone, no light

Dankness and darkness, you shiver

Step by step, moving ever forward 

In the dark
A spec of light, a ray of hope

Step by lonely step 

Facing forward, alive and living 

Closer to freedom, full of hope 

The end I near, light so bright 

It opens up, full of hope

The tunnel, part of the journey 

Coming face to face with myself 

I’ve an amazing day, appearing on stage and getting a good review. The feeling of doing so well is great. However this evening this has been tempered by a awesome play.

While watching it, I realised that the content was very close to my situation. I feel that I was coming face to face with myself. 

Coming to terms with what happened, sometimes you have to come face to face with what happened and try and atain closure.

After all my achievements today, I feel that I have a lot of work to do. 

Good days and bad

Over the  past few months my depression had returned, there have been good day and bad. On the good days I feel like I could take on the world and win. 

However the flip side of this, are the bad days, days that blur into a fog. What most people don’t know is that I’ve become so used to these days, I have been able to hide my feelings behind a mask. This mask for some reason has become a default emotion. 

When these days are upon me, even saying anything is a task. At the moment I’m kind of stable, my medication is suppressing the negative cognitions. There is still some turmoil going on.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve felt genuinely better. 

Another letter to the boy inside 

My dear Ed, 

As I write to you, I know that you have had some dark days. These will get better and  you will find that there are wonderful people who believe in you. 

Even now there are time when you will hurt more than anything. These times are when you will find the strength to live again. You have the strength of Hercules and the heart of a lion. 

As I write this, I know that you are a wonderful young man. You will face adversity and you will overcome it every time.

In your darkest moments there will always be light,  the light of your heart. 

Take care my younger self, 
Ed 

Finding myself

Finding myself, this has been one thing I’ve been trying to do for the last few years.

I have had to take a good look at my inner self. I have spent long hours just pondering how I feel and where I’m going in life.

Learning to let go of my past and moving forward.

Now I have a diagnosis, it seems unreal but I know that I need to do to beat this.

This journey is going to be tough but I know that I have the support to finally deal with my mental health issues.

Taking my dreams back

Dreaming of a star that shoots

Zipping past like a flash 

Dreaming of riding that star

To the end of the universe 
Dreaming about winning the race

Never stopping, always going 

Dreaming about being back as a child 

The innocence so alive
Taking back my dreams 

Day by day, hour by hour

Looking forward, never slowing 

Taking back my dreams, seeing hope 

Living with mental health issues.

Over the last few years I’ve had to learn how to live with a mental illness.

I’m coming to terms that this really is going to be a long haul. There are some positive things, like finding more about myself.

I’m realising that if I hadn’t had any issues, I wouldn’t have met some awesome new friends. I have found I have a love of the theatre and I feel so at home.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I didn’t start this journey. In a way it’s a blessing in disguise.

There is a flip side to it though, sometimes it feels that it’s never ending.

I have taken the bull by the horns and I know what I need to do to beat this. I’m realising that if I look at the positive things that have happened, they out way the bad.

One on the downsides of mental illness is my energy levels. They vairy from day to day at the moment.

When I’m in a bad place I seem to be more creative and able too write poetry.

I know that I’m going to win in the end and recovery is possible.

Fire and darkness 

Fire and darkness, walking through the wood

Good or evil, the owls are listening 

White or black, which entrance do you take 
To the lodge, with pure heart

Opening play, who will win

New shoes or old, hiding in plain sight 
The woods are crying, why why why

The names of Bob and Mike, burning like fire

One bad and one good
Inspired by Twin Peaks and David Lynch