What I want

Over the last few weeks and months, I’ve been thinking about what I want. I’ve realised that I can give something back. I am seeing that one way for me to give something back, is to be there for others.

One of the things I’m considering is to study to be a counsellor. Some of my hidden tallents are, being able to listen, understand and empathise. I feel that I want to be able to help others, to stand up for those who are in that dark place that I’ve been.

As my therapy has progressed, I can see a clearer picture of what I want to do. Whether I succeed or not I’ll give it my best. Another option would be to speak about my experiences the bad an the good. Sometimes I feel that I have a duty to share my story. 

So, what do I want, I want to help others, as others have helped me.

The unexpected gift

When all of the sexual abuse stuff came up I saw no bright points. All I saw was darkness and pain. Easter is for me a fulcrum, a cross roads. 

I struggle on Maundy Thursday because in my lowest moments I feel that I am walking in the garden of gethsemane. Then on good Friday I always feel tearful.

Easter Sunday I have the feeling of being reborn, this has happened each of the last five or six years. 

The unexpected gift I talk about in my title, is that I’ve been able to understand others pain and try and help them see that healing is possible. As I do this my own healing is increased and my mood changes for the positive. 

Also as I grow, I see that it’s ok to ask for help and to accept it when offered. I’m beginning to understand that I my be in my forties physically but I’ve had to go back to my teens to deal with the emotional issues. This was told to me at the start but I never believed this.

The gift of a second chance of growing up, I’m so glad that I never took the ultimate solution. I’m glad I made the choice to live and to be alive. 

So many people have been there for me, from family to priests and colleagues to the best friends a bloke can ask for. 

Walking in light

I’ve found that over the years, as I’ve healed I see the light. I realise that I’ve been walking in that light. I feel that I’ve I’m becoming so much stronger. 

It’s an inner strength I never thought I’d have. I don’t know where I got it from but I feel that I can be a light in others lives. 

I’m walking in the light, 

A light that shines from love

The love of friends, the love of family

A light that give me life

And shatters the the chains

Progress

These posts are difficult to write. Over the last few years I’ve charted my progress. Either by looking to anniversaries or memories.

This one is different, because I realise that I forgot an anniversary. Well seven years ago I had some conversations about the then Pope’s visit.

These conversations brought up the abuse stuff, as I look back I see that I’m better off by dealing with it. I seem to be progressing towards thriving and beating this. 

I said when I started this journey I wanted to help others, I feel that I’m now achieving this in my small way. 

So what progress have I made, I’m more self assured and open about my sexuality. I realise that only I can put this to rest. 

As far as my abuser is concerned, I pity him and I feel no malice towards him. What has happened, has happened. I can’t change my past, but I can make my future.

The last few weeks

The last few weeks have been really hard, starting therapy and the play have taken there toll. Tiredness and anxiety have plagued me.

However I see that I have to face the rough with the smooth. Also, I need to ride the rapids and not give in to my past. This is easier said than done.

I’m proud of my achievements of the last few weeks, having stage managed our last production and faced my demons. I realise that I’m only human an do need time to rest and recover.

Taking on challenges is a thing I love to do, so my next challenge is to find out more about the real Ed.

I’m still going in the right direction. I’m more than a thriver I’m awesome. 

Counting blessings

This is one of those over used phrases, but in my case I can now see that I have been blessed by so many things. Throughout my journey, there have been the right people at the right time. Some of those didn’t know it and acted in a way that wasn’t helpful.

As I look back, five years ago I was looking for a hobby, something to take up a few hours a week. Something to keep me interested in living, that was where I found a passion for theatre and drama. 

This is one of my biggest blessings, it has given me a second shot at life and hope. Also my job, it gives me the means to follow my hobby.

I am now in a better place than ever and I can see that the hard times have been worth it.

So for me I will continue to count my blessings. 

Thriving for the future

This  isn’t the topic I was going to write about. But sometimes you should go with the flow.
Part of my plan for dealing with this is to sort out my mental health. Today I started to deal with the mood swings and thy and restore some equilibrium to my thoughts and mind.

I know I’ll have to do the hard work, this is the only way I’ll really beat this once and for all. I realise that I overthink things, read things in to a situation that aren’t really there. I must remember to be kind to myself and not let my doubts rule my mind.

Sometimes, I let that doubt win. Now I must silence that doubt and just accept that I’m not perfect (I am really). Now is the time I start thriving.