What I want

Over the last few weeks and months, I’ve been thinking about what I want. I’ve realised that I can give something back. I am seeing that one way for me to give something back, is to be there for others.

One of the things I’m considering is to study to be a counsellor. Some of my hidden tallents are, being able to listen, understand and empathise. I feel that I want to be able to help others, to stand up for those who are in that dark place that I’ve been.

As my therapy has progressed, I can see a clearer picture of what I want to do. Whether I succeed or not I’ll give it my best. Another option would be to speak about my experiences the bad an the good. Sometimes I feel that I have a duty to share my story. 

So, what do I want, I want to help others, as others have helped me.


The unexpected gift

When all of the sexual abuse stuff came up I saw no bright points. All I saw was darkness and pain. Easter is for me a fulcrum, a cross roads. 

I struggle on Maundy Thursday because in my lowest moments I feel that I am walking in the garden of gethsemane. Then on good Friday I always feel tearful.

Easter Sunday I have the feeling of being reborn, this has happened each of the last five or six years. 

The unexpected gift I talk about in my title, is that I’ve been able to understand others pain and try and help them see that healing is possible. As I do this my own healing is increased and my mood changes for the positive. 

Also as I grow, I see that it’s ok to ask for help and to accept it when offered. I’m beginning to understand that I my be in my forties physically but I’ve had to go back to my teens to deal with the emotional issues. This was told to me at the start but I never believed this.

The gift of a second chance of growing up, I’m so glad that I never took the ultimate solution. I’m glad I made the choice to live and to be alive. 

So many people have been there for me, from family to priests and colleagues to the best friends a bloke can ask for. 

Walking in light

I’ve found that over the years, as I’ve healed I see the light. I realise that I’ve been walking in that light. I feel that I’ve I’m becoming so much stronger. 

It’s an inner strength I never thought I’d have. I don’t know where I got it from but I feel that I can be a light in others lives. 

I’m walking in the light, 

A light that shines from love

The love of friends, the love of family

A light that give me life

And shatters the the chains