This post I’m going to try to chart a day. A day in my life. I’ll be trying to put my feelings and thoughts in to words.
Most days I wake before my alarms, usually due to waking abruptly thanks to my dreams good or bad. Most days it’s a real struggle to get motivated, some days the memories a so strong it feels that I’m back in that moment.
As I get ready for work, the last thing I put on is my mask. The mask that hides my true feelings. As my day goes on I sometimes doubt myself. I sometimes second guess myself. Of course this is an example of a bad day.
There are some days that I’m full of energy and I’m more alive. Even on these days the mask is put on. This is for me is now part of me. Some days I’m brave enough to talk about my past in a positive way.
Normally, by the time I get home I’m completly drained and so tired. I do have a few ways of relaxing. I’m also getting in touch with my inner child. Giving that boy a chance to be a boy again.
Then comes “sleep”, in some respects I still dread this time. A time for my mind to take centre stage. This time I fear the most as it is now when the memories are strongest.
As I look back at the last five years, I can clearly see progress and I feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’m beginning to understand that this can be a blessing as well as a curse. Five years ago just getting out of bed was a triumph.