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Mind mess

My mind tonight is a mess. I can’t think, it’s just a jumble of feelings. That question “what if?” is rattling round my head. It’s like I know there’s more growth coming. Which means more pain.

Trying to make sense of of my past is like a full time job. I know that one day I must forgive my abuser for what happened. But does he deserve my forgiveness. Have I got to the point where I can forgive.

By not forgiving my abuser, am I doing the right thing. I’ve blamed everyone but him. I’ve raged at god for letting this happen. Then I’m reminded that he love us all totally.

Even, when I walk away and hide myself from his face. I’m reminded of something a friend showed me, that god will do everything in his power to bring me close.

My mind is such a mess.

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