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Four years of pain

This time four years ago I was sitting in a hotel room, pondering my future. Where will I be and what will I be doing.

One if my thoughts was why me. Why did I have to deal with this. Little did I know what a Pandora’s box I’d started to open. While I was in this hotel I thought I should just run as far away from my life as possible. I remember going to church that Sunday evening and sitting looking over at my house mates. I just looked through them and saw how far removed I’d become from them.

I felt so alone, even though I was living with 15 others. I was so alone and in pain. Over the next few days I started to realise how deep this pain was. When I returned to the community on the Tuesday I had to prepare for a secondary school mission. One I never wanted to go on. During the the next few weeks the pain inside got worse.

After this we had a break from missions and then during what was to be my final mission I felt that there was more to what was going on.

The realisation came while on holiday, that I really needed help. Then I started to feel really depressed and was give three months off from missions. During this time I moved to Coventry, which almost finished me. During this time I felt so isolated not only by myself but everyone around me. This was only my perception of what was going on. In November 2010 I had planned to end it all.

I don’t know why I didn’t but I didn’t. During this time I spent so many hours in tears and in real pain. My heart felt it was breaking.

Surprisingly, I found I had two really good talents. One, cooking and the other poetry. I think these were what saved me from ending it all.

I can now see that I’m stronger for the experience but some of the pain is still there.


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