After 28 years of fighting back the tears tonight as I write this post my eyes are watering. The tears of a 13 year old boy are coming out. 28 years of hiding my emotions. Hiding behind humour and false smiles.
I can no longer do this. It’s time to let go and just let little Ed cry like he should’ve all those years ago. Cry for lost dreams, cry for the lost loves and cry just because.
This has been building up for weeks, trying to be strong for others while screaming inside for someone to just hug me. A hug such a simple thing, this even was hard for me to accept three years ago. Even now I fear contact. With every day that I have bottled all of this up, dreading days like these. Days that all I want to do is cry. Cry tears of a young boy who did nothing wrong but be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Having the burden of all this emotion is not nice, cripples me most of the time. I’m realising how powerful emotions are. In my pain I know I’ve hurt others. People who care and who never judge.
As I sit here with tears in my eyes I can only wonder what would be different and where I’d be. But because he sexually abused me he robbed little Ed of those dreams in a moment where he decided he wanted my innocence. He wanted my wonder, my awe and my heart and soul. He took all of this and left me empty. He stole my future and my past. That wasn’t all he took my family and he took me from them. I still ask why? But only he knows.