I wrote the following piece 24/09/10. this was days after disclosing.
I really don’t know I feel at the moment it just feels numb. I really wish I hadn’t started on this journey as it has caused me so much pain.
I don’t who or why I am at the moment. I seem to have lost 25 years of my life. I keep asking my self am I really meant to be here at this time. What if this never happened would I have had this call on my life. I woke up yesterday and I saw a person I didn’t recognise. It seem my childhood stopped in August 1985 when it happened. Who is this person I saw in the mirror? Why do I really hate myself for letting this happen to me. Why does if feel like I have a big neon sign over my head. Does everyone know or am I just going mad.
Is this the reason the I have all these problems with dad or am I mad.
I feel so alone hurt. Men don’t cry so why an I feeling so awful and tearful. Why is GOD doing this to me at this time. Am I in the right place I really do not know. I just want this out of my life. I am having real doubts over the future. I would just love a good nights sleep so I can try at least to have a “normal” life. This whole episode in my life is just so bad I want to crawl into a bottle and stay there.”
Now I have got to a point where I can talk about this as a sadness in my life, I still need to deal with this sadness.
I now see myself as Survivor/Thriver.