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Honouring my past

Honouring my past but not living it. I’ve been reflecting on the last few years. This time two years ago I was in so much turmoil that I was sent to hospital as I admitted to seriously considering suicide. I was in such a bad way I had not slept in months.

But I must look further back to a time soon after I was abused. It was Christmas and I decided to run away from my family. I couldn’t bear being around my family. I grew slowly away from them. I became insular and alone. There were times when this stuff came up but I just drowned it in booze.

Back to 2011. I was sitting in prayer with a friend who was concerned that I was bottling it all up. I was. During this time he decided to push all my buttons at once. That was wrong, he did apologise. The outcome was me in tears admitting that I had attempted suicide on more than one occasion. The worst thing was I felt I was weak. I wasn’t. Far from it as I realised that I had been too strong for too long. I finally had to deal with the abuse. I have found that by honouring my past and not living there is the best way to heal.

Two years on I still struggle but I’m moving in the right direction.

I am a survivor and I will be a thriver

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