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Happy and sad

I thought when I started work and moved in to my flat, I was healed. For a few months this was the case. Then came the jubilee weekend. Over this weekend, the loneliness really hit me. I felt so alone.

It seemed that my depression had come back but the truth is it never went away. It had just been dormant. I had been so busy trying to keep appearances up. Even though I knew I was in deep trouble I kept on putting my masks on. I lied to friends and family saying I was ok.

This caused me to feel worse. And I started to spiral out of control. I started to live two lives one at home alone feeling crap about myself and the other outgoing and happy around others.

I am still struggling having to live two lives. One sad and the other happy go lucky. Now they’re beginning to be merged. I have moments at work where I feel the pain of what happened and start to take my mask off. And there are times at home when I’m happy.

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