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A brush with the end

*******TRIGGER WARNING********

In November 2010 I was alone in my room feeling so bad I had started to plan my own end. As a catholic I knew it was a sin to even think about suicide. I was feel so desperate I could not see a way out.

I felt isolated from my family and friends. I could not work, no energy and I saw no future. The house I was living in at the time was cold a lonely as my house mates were not around for me to be with.

I had searched the Internet for ideas on painless suicide. As time went on my depression deepened and I was increasingly agitated and angry at the world. I thought my time had come. One evening in winter I sat in the chapel shivering and crying. Cold angry wanting to end it all.

Things didn’t get any better. I spent Christmas with my brother, I wasn’t myself.

In January 2011 my world fell apart. During a chat with a friend. He decided to push all my buttons. He made me admit that I tried to commit suicide.

My life changed forever as I realised that I needed help.

I hadn’t slept properly for almost six months. I went to see a Gp. He gave me some sleeping pills to help me sleep. Then I had to go for psychiatric assessment, this was hard as I was left in a locked bare room for a couple of hours so I could be assessed.

They gave me anti depressants. These changed the person I was. The effect was I stopped feeling. This frightened me.

I was so angry I didn’t speak to my friend for three months. I avoided him.

I now see in hindsight he was right. His methods have somewhat to be desired.

I got through these times and now I can look back and see the progress I have made.

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One response to “A brush with the end

  1. So glad you didn’t, you can feel proud of yourself and the progress you’ve made and the fact that you didn’t let him win. The future is yours and I’m sure you will do many great things. Though it may feel that way sometimes, you are not alone x

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