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40

In two and half weeks I turn forty. If you would have said to me 18 months ago I would have said. I don’t think I will see my 40th birthday. I now see my 40th as a spring board to start to live again. I am thankful for the help some people gave me during the last 18 months.

I had hit rock bottom. In confusion and in despair. My thoughts were confused and painful. I felt only one emotion which was extreme sadness. I can’t believe that I was that way. In that place where no person should be.

The moment I hit the bottom it felt as though I had been guided gently down to that point. It felt like I only had one direction to go.

Over the last 15 months I have started to climb out of this place. I feel a guiding hand helping me move slowly upwards. It’s a hand that is invisible but I ca feel it ready to catch me if I fall.

As it gets closer to my 40th birthday I still feel that I’m being guided in everything I do. I’m learning that I don’t have to beat myself up if I make a mistake as we all do this.

I’ve met people who just like me for being me. Not this person who was always trying to impress but the someone who just is.

I, at times feel like the child who was hurt all those years ago. That young boy is still hurting but I’m now looking after him. Giving him time and space to grow and feel safe.

For me life will begin at forty. A happy rebirth, a real second chance at living.

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