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A year on

Today is a year since I was told I wasn’t wanted. A year since my dreams were shattered by a Christian community.

When I was told I wasn’t wanted I was in shock. The community had made the decision a few days before. They put me through hell over the May bank holiday last year. I tried to do what they wanted. But this is the community who tried in vain to gag me. To silence my voice and make decisions behind my back.

I remember in November 2010 driving back to Coventry after counselling getting a call while driving. I didn’t take it but the message was the leadership wanted to talk to me. I felt like I was on trial. The leadership had spoken to someone about me behind my back.

The conversation when I got back was like so one sided. I remember sitting in the chapel in Coventry after they had said prayer. The leadership said I was not to share this with anyone. After 25 years of silence I had to keep quiet again.

I didn’t even have time to rest after a long drive. I kept my side of things despite wanting to share with the people I lived with.

The worse moment was to come a couple of months later in January. During a community gathering I was to have a pastoral. Instead my pastor decided to push all my buttons on mass. I had to admit I had suicidal thoughts. Then the shit hit the fan. I was told I had to see a doctor. Which I did, the doctor sent to get assessed by a psych. Team.

Six hours at the hospital I was given medication for depression. Then the leadership wanted to speak to my counsellor. I agreed reluctantly to this. Then came more demands I was to attend counselling once or twice a week and pay for it out of my own pocket. I agreed.

Then came the choice. I wanted to stay and give it another go. But the leadership had other ideas.

A year on I am in a good job, my own flat and meeting new people. The thing is I pity them as they have lost an opportunity to have someone who has been in the darkest place come through and out the other side. A chance to learn the healing lessons that I’ve learnt. The chance to share in a wonderful re-birth of someone who has been down to hell and survive no start to thrive.

Yes I am still angry, not at them as they never understood the transformation that I was going through. But for them as they will never understand.

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